Category Archives: Desk of Patrick Bateman

Flags: Winners, Losers, & Why America’s Needs Updating

In light of America’s newfound place as an international laughingstock thanks to Donald Trump’s recent escapade through what he believes were at least eight of the world’s seven continents and during which he succeeded in living up to all of our worst expectations as to how he would embarrass America in a way that could only have been exceeded if we had dispatched either Larry the Cable Guy or James Woods in his place, I thought I would take this opportunity to address a nagging issue that has gone too long overlooked.

Namely, the question of which national flags look the best, and which are in dire need of a makeover.   Read more


Election Day 2016

It’s election day, better known as an opportunity to sleep in, show up late to work, and pretend that you stopped to vote on your way in.
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Those Are the Rules

I’m sorry, but those are the rules.

You were asked to phrase your responses in the form of a question, regardless whether this was a multiple choice exam.
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Chimps Ain’t Like Us

When I’m not trying to lure rats into fighting over a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup in the alley behind my apartment, I actually like to read. It’s all a part of being unemployed and wearing glasses, and I recently came across an article that described how there is only a 2% difference between the genomes of humans and chimps.
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How to Buy Friends on Facebook and Twitter

Ever wondered how your next door neighbor has more Twitter followers than Rihanna? The answer is quite simple, really: In the truest of American spirits, they bought them.
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Welcome Aboard My Sanctimonious Bandwagon!

Welcome aboard! I’m glad to see that you’ve made the wise and prudent decision to jump aboard this, my sanctimonious bandwagon.

Please don’t be concerned about room—there’s always plenty of space for newcomers!
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Peer Pressure

Peer pressure isn’t always a bad thing. In your case, a little peer pressure might be especially beneficial. Read more

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