Category Archives: Desk of Patrick Bateman

The Olympics, Donald Trump, & My Self Esteem

It’s time again for the winter Olympics, that special occasion every four years when the world comes together to pretend like they care about figure skating, bobsledding, and cross-country skiing. The winter Olympics are as if a Mumford and Sons album were televised as a sporting event, it’s just that boring, although special exception should be made for luge and ski jumping accidents, which are the Olympic equivalent of NASCAR crashes. Read more

Flags: Winners, Losers, & Why America’s Needs Updating

In light of America’s newfound place as an international laughingstock as a result of Donald Trump’s recent escapade through what he believes were at least eight of the world’s seven continents and during which he succeeded in living up to all of our worst fears as to how he would embarrass America in a way that could only have been exceeded if we had dispatched either Larry the Cable Guy or James Woods in his place, I thought I would take this opportunity to address a nagging issue that has gone too long overlooked.

Namely, the question of which national flags look the best, and which are in dire need of a makeover.   Read more

Election Day 2016

It’s election day, better known as an opportunity to sleep in, show up late to work, and pretend that you stopped to vote on your way in.
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Those Are the Rules

I’m sorry, but those are the rules.

You were asked to phrase your responses in the form of a question, regardless if this was a multiple-choice exam.
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Chimps Ain’t Like Us

When I’m not trying to induce alley rats into fighting over a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup behind my apartment, I actually like to read. It’s all a part of being unemployed and wearing glasses, and I recently came across an article that described how there is only a 2% difference between the genomes of humans and chimps.
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How to Buy Friends on Facebook and Twitter

Ever wondered how your next door neighbor has more Twitter followers than Rihanna? The answer is quite simple, really: In the truest of American spirits, they bought them.
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Welcome Aboard My Sanctimonious Bandwagon!

Welcome aboard! I’m glad to see that you’ve made the wise and prudent decision to jump aboard this, my sanctimonious bandwagon.

Please don’t be concerned about room—there’s always plenty of space for newcomers!
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