Author Archives: Juke Joint Jezebel

Tough Mudder Does Not Impress Me

Let’s get one thing clear and out of the way at the outset of this post: Gluten allergies are just the 2017 way of saying that you are a fucking pussy because if you are allergic to something that did not exist more than five years ago, chances are you’re not allergic—you’re just a narcissistic asshole.
Read more

Your Christmas Carol Lyrics Are Maddening and Confounding

I recommend that you take a moment to listen—I mean really sit and listen to the lyrics of those Christmas carols that you so freely sing without a moment’s consideration as to the twisted sentiments to which you’re giving voice. Read more

Fuck Your Electronic Dance Music

So 2016 has been a terrible year for music. This year we’ve witnessed the passing of David Bowie, Merle Haggard, Maurice White, and Prince, just to name a few. And it sort of begs the question: Does God realize that Chris Brown and Kanye West are still down here? God should feel free to stop taking our talented musicians and direct his attention in their direction, is all.
Read more

My Family Reunion Trauma

Last month I mentioned that I recently traveled to an extended family reunion, and while the fact that this reunion took place in Florida probably says all that needs to be said about my family, I thought I would share some reflections on the experience with you nonetheless.

First, allow me to provide you with a little insight into how we get down at my family gatherings because these events feature a little something called Kirkland-brand Bourbon.
Read more

Allegiant Air: Greyhound Airbus of the Skies

So I recently had the misfortune to travel back home for a family reunion that consisted mostly of Schlitz-fueled recriminations and a lot of emphatic finger pointing, and in punishing myself with a weekend trip down my childhood PTSD memories, I had occasion to fly on Allegiant Airlines.
Read more

Burning Man, “Burners,” and BannedCast

It’s that time of year again: Burning Man.

For those of you who may be unfamiliar with the concept, allow me to explain that this is that special time of year when today’s newest breed of pretentious hipster ravers flock to the Black Rock City Nevada desert to celebrate all things craft beer, EDM, and anti-establishment platitudes while engorged on copious amounts of designer drugs that allow for meaningless and altogether joyless sex with multiple unwashed and relatively unconscious partners. Read more

Subway President of Marketing Regrets Saying There’s No Such Thing As Bad Publicity

Responding to a reporter’s question regarding statements made in 2005 in which Subway President of marketing Martin Porter is quoted as saying, “There’s no such thing as bad publicity,” Porter on Wednesday said, “I can firmly say that I regret those remarks.”
Read more

« Older Entries