BannedCast

Peer pressure isn’t always a bad thing. In your case, a little peer pressure might be especially beneficial.

For example, a little more peer pressure could go a long way toward compelling you to forego that facial hair. Your beard doesn’t make you look hip or distinguished, it makes you look like someone looking for an excuse to never have to perform cunnilingus on the off-chance you find a willing female participant. 

A little more peer pressure might also persuade you to stop proclaiming that you’ll not drink anything less than Grey Goose vodka because “Everything else tastes like rubbish.” In a blind taste test, you wouldn’t be able to tell the difference between Rosanne’s ruptured hemorrrhoids and YooHoo, much less Grey Goose and Popov, so stop acting as though a passing interest in Anthony Bourdain makes you a connoisseur.

And of course, a little peer pressure might keep you from posting any more of those Facebook status updates about how you “totally blasted your quads at Crossfit,” accompanied with the requisite hashtags #NoPainNoGain and #WhyDidIVolunteerForThis. Your humble brags only make us hate you more than we already did. And we already hate you quite a lot.

Additionally, those political bandwagon Facebook status updates don’t help, either. You dropped out of community college after failing remedial biology for the second time—it’s not like you’re anyone’s go-to contact for insight into the machinations of the American political system, which is to say that watching the first seven-and-a-half minutes of Rachel Maddow doesn’t make you a political scientist, it just makes you someone who prefers Huffington Post to a textbook.

Consider this, then, that long-overdo pressure. Just don’t get the wrong idea—I’m not your peer.

I’m way above you. 

Best,