How to Buy Friends on Facebook and Twitter

Ever wondered how your next door neighbor has more Twitter followers than Rihanna? The answer is quite simple, really: In the truest of American spirits, they bought them.

In case you were somehow unaware that online friends can be bought in the same way that hepatitis can be bought from a Walmart deli, there are plenty of companies offering to supply your unpopular, shitty bottom-of-the-barrel website with Facebook Likes and Twitter Followers, which is precisely why we at BannedCast thought this would be a worthwhile course of action for our fledgling social media imprint.

Granted, buying Facebook Likes and Twitter Followers is roughly equivalent to joining a college fraternity insofar as you’re purchasing companionship from people who don’t really know you and probably don’t like you, but unfortunate realities have never stopped us before and weren’t about to stop us now. So it was that I, your humble BannedCast Twitter fiend, purchased a handful of Twitter and Facebook followers if only for the benefit of finding a creative way to spend the remaining $25 in our corporate account for this fiscal year.

And today, we can shamefully declare that BannedCast now has almost 900 Twitter Followers and nearly 900 Facebook Page Likes—and all for less than $25! In fact, we still have $5 leftover, which should be a clear indication of just how little these artificial friends are worth. The last time I was in Tijuana, I had to pay more pesos for that donkey show and a handjob from an aging transvestite.  

Last week we gained 750 Facebook likes for the price of $15 and 500 Twitter followers for the price of $5. Now, to anyone paying close enough attention, it should have aroused suspicion as to how we were able to accrue these added Facebook Likes in the span of several hours in spite of our having not posted anything to our Facebook page since before my second ex-wife keyed my Mitsubishi Lancer.

Furthermore, what is one to deduce (or adduce, whichever you prefer) from the paucity of individual Likes attributed to any of our Facebook Posts? Do these Followers like us enough to follow us but never enough to appreciate even a single individual post? The truth is that these followers aren’t indifferent, they simply don’t exist. Not unlike an interracial couple at a Kla—er, Trump rally: They’re more a fabrication of wishes and fantasies than anything grounded in reality.   

However, like the aforementioned Tijuana donkey show tranny handjob, I wouldn’t recommend purchasing Facebook Likes and Twitter Followers, either, because once you’ve purchased these Likes and Followers, they will cling to you like the crabs and herpes blisters from your south-of-the-border mescaline-fueled tryst.

Because now that we at BannedCast have purchased these Likes and Followers, we can’t get rid of them. And it’s pretty obvious to any outside observer that those Likes and Followers are artificial, which is totally in keeping with BannedCast’s modus operandi but not totally in keeping with the few shreds of dignity that we occasionally like to profess that we have in order to hook-up with the slightly depressed drunk girls we find at the end of the bar at 2:15 in the morning.

In sum: buying Facebook Likes and Twitter Followers works, but caveat emptor because this not-so-subtle ploy to purchase popularity is as artificial as Michele Bachmann’s husband’s heterosexuality and transparent to anyone with even the half the IQ of a Republican primary voter, which is already in single digits.

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