Category Archives: MugShotScapade!

Your Christmas Carol Lyrics Are Maddening and Confounding

I recommend that you take a moment to listen—I mean really sit and listen to the lyrics of those Christmas carols that you so freely sing without a moment’s consideration as to the twisted sentiments to which you’re giving voice. Read more

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That’s Stephen to You, Motherfucker

My name’s not Steve, it’s Stephen. Next time you presume to know someone well enough to abbreviate their god-given birth name, you might do well to pick someone without a criminal record and an un-diagnosed chemical imbalance upon whom to test the bounds of your familiarity. 
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As the Founder and Head of this Militia, I Would Like to Establish Some Ground Rules

This is going to be the absolute greatest militia the state of Oregon has ever seen, and I for one am excited that you all have decided to join.

As the founder and head of this militia, I would like to establish some ground rules.
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How to Make a Tuna Salad Sandwich

Today I would like to provide you with the best, most detailed recipe and cooking instructions for the best damn tuna salad sandwich you’ll ever have!
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I Am a Responsible Gun Owner

I am sick and tired of the ongoing attack on guns. After having lived alongside them for a few thousand years, I think that mankind’s votes are in and the overwhelming consensus is that guns are pretty fucking awesome!

Of course, owning a gun comes with its own unique set of responsibilities, and I count myself as one of those proud and responsible gun owners who abides by strict standards of gun safety. 
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If This Carnival Cruise Ship Capsizes and We End Up on a Deserted Island, I Promise Not to Eat You

This is going to be an excellent vacation, and I for one am excited. I love a good cruise, and you and I are going to have such a good time.

As we embark on this wonderful excursion, I’d like to get something out of the way because I’ve found that it’s often better to say things directly so as to avoid any misunderstanding either now or in the future.

Therefore, let me make absolutely clear that if this Carnival cruise ship capsizes and we end up on a deserted island, I promise not to eat you.
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I Am Going to Get the Biggest Piece of this Office Birthday Cake

The good news: there’s birthday cake in the breakroom.

The bad news: It’s carrot cake.

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