Chimps Ain’t Like Us

When I’m not trying to lure rats into fighting over a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup in the alley behind my apartment, I actually like to read. It’s all a part of being unemployed and wearing glasses, and I recently came across an article that described how there is only a 2% difference between the genomes of humans and chimps.

Think of that: only a 2% genetic difference that separates us from our closest living animal kingdom cousins.

As one would expect, there’s a lot of speculation about what constitutes that difference. People have spent their entire professional careers researching this, and the answers, as one might expect, are somewhat elusive. 1% of that difference probably has something to do with language—we’re the only species that uses it.

Chimp 2And I have a theory as to what constitutes the remaining 1% difference, which I believe has to do with autoerotic asphyxiation. I believe that this is what separates us from the animals, and I’ve read enough of Jane Goodall’s diaries to know that she never once came across a chimp in the African bush with a vine tied around its neck and it’s manhood clenched firmly in its fist.  

Humans use language, build rockets that go to the moon, and choke ourselves while jerking off—I defy you to find another species capable of those three things.

And by the way, it’s also true that humans and chimps actually have the same number of hair follicles on our bodies, and if that surprises you, you’ve obviously never passed by the sauna at 24 Hour Fitness where on any given day there is a full-on man-boob convention presided over by gentlemen with enough back-hair to fashion an area rug from its clippings.

This should also serve to make it additionally clear how Michael Hutchence is a stalwart icon of human exceptionalism and why his music should be revered as a capstone of human achievement. “New Sensation” excepted, of course—that song is terrible.

(This piece constitutes BannedCast’s first peer-reviewed scientific article. Both Juke Joint Jezebel and Mean Dave have read and approved of the claims made here. Holly W., meanwhile, is a conniving little skank who claims that “more research is needed” before she will support its publication, and Derek B. refused to read any document that didn’t feature pop-up pictures and a hero character accompanied by a talking dog.)

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