Election Day 2016

It’s election day, better known as an opportunity to sleep in, show up late to work, and pretend that you stopped to vote on your way in.

Because let’s be honest: you, like a few tens of millions of other Americans, have no intention of waiting an hour in line at some godforsaken church at eight in the morning in order to be handed a 15-page tome filled with more unfamiliar names than Cougar Town’s supporting cast from which your are expected to select the next few years’ political leaders, and all so that you can receive an “I Voted” sticker that you proudly display on the lapel of your ironically hip Member’s Only jacket to better advertise precisely which kind of insufferably sanctimonious prick you are—i.e., the kind who believes that voting makes you better than those of us who are too hungover on a Tuesday morning to care.

ballotboxBecause now more than ever, voting is a responsibility not to be taken lightly, which is why I, like you, prefer not to take it at all. This way, I cannot be blamed for anything that may happen during the next administration’s tenure. And please don’t feed me that bullshit about “If you don’t vote, you can’t complain” because I think I’ve made it perfectly clear that I most definitely can and will in spite of any and all arguments to the contrary.

Voting is simply overrated in the same way that Breaking Bad was. And seriously, if you count yourself a fan of that show, your voter registration should be immediately revoked because if you were so easily duped by that show’s campy character constructions and melodramatic plot devices, you shouldn’t be entrusted with buttering your own toast much less participating in a free election.

In sum, voting is a monumental waste of time, unless of course one is voting for the final three on Dancing with the Stars, in which case I’m more than willing to accept whatever standard text-messaging rates may apply because ABC needs all the support it can get, what with it having recently suffered the indignity of airing Uncle Buck as a new primetime sitcom.

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