New Year’s 2020 will surely go down as a bleak harbinger of ill fortune. Back then, a short lifetime ago from today, the collective consensus was one of relief, of putting 2019 behind us and looking ahead to 2020 with refurbished optimism. Read more
Last summer, during an interview at the Minnesota State Fair, professional chef and TV personality Andrew Zimmerman, known for showcasing and promoting exotic foods from around the world, discussed how he’d like to introduce Midwestern diners to “authentic” Chinese food. A Minnesota native and local hero, he wanted to “save the souls of all the people from having to dine at these horseshit restaurants masquerading as Chinese food that are in the Midwest.”1
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My wife recently forced me to visit an AMC theater so that I could have the pleasure of paying $19 a ticket to watch Black Panther in a theater filled with American theatergoers who use film only as a backdrop to loudly consume a Hefty-bag’s worth of popcorn slathered in fake butter and washed down with enough Coke-a-cola to drown a small village of pygmies.
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It’s time again for the winter Olympics, that special occasion every four years when the world comes together to pretend like they care about figure skating, bobsledding, and cross-country skiing. The winter Olympics are as if a Mumford and Sons album were televised as a sporting event, it’s just that boring, although special exception should be made for luge and ski jumping accidents, which are the Olympic equivalent of NASCAR crashes.
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2017 is over, and I think we can all agree that’s a good thing. While I don’t hold out much hope for a better 2018, what with an imminent nuclear showdown with North Korea and a Pacific Rim sequel, it will be nice to put a few 2017 things behind us.
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Near the end of an earlier post on religious versus science tests, BannedCast contributor Patrick Bateman interjected (rather gratuitously) a brief aside on the Blur vs. Oasis debate that has raged since the mid-1990s. For those who may not remember, the 1990s were a time when people knew who Harvey Danger was, and some people even cared. And of course, even by the late 90’s, TLC was still relevant, though their stardom had noticeably faded since its peak when Lisa Left Eye Lopes set fire to her boyfriend’s Atlanta mansion.
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In light of America’s newfound place as an international laughingstock as a result of Donald Trump’s recent escapade through what he believes were at least eight of the world’s seven continents and during which he succeeded in living up to all of our worst fears as to how he would embarrass America in a way that could only have been exceeded if we had dispatched either Larry the Cable Guy or James Woods in his place, I thought I would take this opportunity to address a nagging issue that has gone too long overlooked.
Namely, the question of which national flags look the best, and which are in dire need of a makeover.
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Azealia Banks may not have many defenders these days. Since arriving onto the scene at age 17, she’s burnt a few, many, most bridges in her young but incendiary career.
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In light of recent autocratic orders issued from our (with all due respect) doughy, midget-fingered troglodyte of a 45th president for whom the rhetorical complexity of a season of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo represents an intellectual bridge too far, I thought I would take this opportunity to suggest that in the interest of “our country’s continued safety and security” we implement not religious tests for incoming migrants but science tests instead.
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Let’s get one thing clear and out of the way at the outset of this post: Gluten allergies are just the 2017 way of saying that you are a fucking pussy because if you are allergic to something that did not exist more than five years ago, chances are you’re not allergic—you’re just a narcissistic asshole.
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