Author Archives: Patrick Bateman

I Don’t Wish to Alarm You, But I May Have Accidentally Used a Bag of Homemade Trail Mix in Place of Silicone During Your Recent Breast Augmentation Surgery

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I don’t wish to alarm you, but I may have accidentally used a bag of homemade trail mix in place of silicone during your recent breast augmentation surgery. You might be interested to know that I actually sell my trail mix at farmer’s markets around the area as a sort of side business of mine, and so this isn’t as unusual or unexpected as you may at first have thought.

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I Did Not Appreciate the Tone with which You Said “Bless You” Earlier Today

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When you said “bless you” to me earlier today in the break room after I sneezed into the microwave, I felt that this did not convey a sufficiently genuine concern for my health. Your delivery was devoid of affect and was reflective of a dissociative reflex rather than a true imploration unto my future wellbeing, and in light of this lackluster blessing, I feel that your cock-faced, dickhead sentiments would have been better left unsaid.

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I’m Pretty Sure That If I Shaved Off My Eyebrows and Wore a Black Leather Trench Coat, People Would Think That I’m from the Future

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I’m pretty sure that if I shaved off my eyebrows and wore a black leather trench coat, people would think that I’m from the future.

I base this assertion on the fact that the last time I shaved my eyebrows and walked around downtown in a leopard-print leotard, people assumed that I was a newcomer to their town. Furthermore, everyone made damn sure to get out of my way.

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I Am Presently in Hour 3 of My 5 Hour Energy

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I am presently in hour 3 of my 5 Hour Energy, which means that I am hard at work on a new method of reading people’s minds by staring intently into their left ear canal. This is a tricky business that requires much concentration and a proximity to your subject that has made many people sitting next to me on the bus very uncomfortable.

Because when I drop a dose of 5 Hour Energy, it is game-fucking-on, my friend.

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I Drive Much Better After Slamming A Fifth Of Jack Daniels

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Look, it’s just a simple fact: I drive much better after slamming a fifth of Jack Daniels.

No, I’m not superman—I just have a very high tolerance for alcohol that will undoubtedly impress all of you lightweight pussies who like to call it quits after finishing a mere 13 ½ beers and half a bottle of Smirnoff. I’m not trying to say that you all are limp-dicked ass-eaters or anything, it’s just that I am still perfectly capable of operating a motor vehicle after polishing off a fifth of Jack as part of my at-home, pre-game Friday night regimen.

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Before We Begin Dating, There Are a Few Things You Should Know About Me

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I am looking very forward to this, our first date. I’ve made reservations at the Olive Garden, and I think you will be pleasantly surprised to find that I actually match the image from my Match.com profile! I know so many guys tend to post pictures from 10 years and 35 pounds ago, but rest assured, I still look exactly as I did in this, my most recent photograph.

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My Recent UFO Abduction
Was Nothing If Not a Pleasurable Experience

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I am here to set the record straight and repudiate the rampant media mischaracterizations regarding UFO abductions. Because I was recently abducted by a UFO, and I can tell you from firsthand experience that being abducted by a UFO is a mostly pleasurable experience.

I have been abducted by UFOs several times over the course of my life, and apart from the anal rape, I would absolutely recommend an alien abduction to anyone looking for a relaxing, spiritual experience.

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