I Don’t Wish to Alarm You, But I May Have Accidentally Used a Bag of Homemade Trail Mix in Place of Silicone During Your Recent Breast Augmentation Surgery

I don’t wish to alarm you, but I may have accidentally used a bag of homemade trail mix in place of silicone during your recent breast augmentation surgery. You might be interested to know that I actually sell my trail mix at farmer’s markets around the area as a sort of side business of mine, and so this isn’t as unusual and unexpected as you may at first have thought.

Let me assure you that these things happen all the time and this is nothing about which to become overly concerned. Additionally, you should know that when I create trail mix, I always use a name-brand Ziploc bag with the Smart Zip Plus(R) Seal, and you therefore have the assurance of the Ziploc name to mitigate those concerns about leakage, which I cannot stress enough represents only a very minimal risk in these sorts of circumstances.

tide-podsAnd I speak from experience in these matters because this is not the first time that I have mistaken foreign objects for those silicone implants that patients have come to expect as part of their breast augmentation surgery. Just last week I mistook a handful of Tide single-use laundry detergent packets for another woman’s breast implants, and last December I mistakenly used a half dozen deviled eggs in a procedure just following our departmental holiday party. Needless to say, we immediately put in place some restrictions prohibiting the use of the operating room as part of our holiday celebrations following that little mishap. However, these restrictions do not preclude the consumption of other foods, as you may expect, which is why my homemade trail mix is now a part of your physical appearance.

And please do not see this little snafu as an occasion to start pointing fingers or needlessly involve lawyers. Let’s just agree that mistakes were made and that no one is perfect, especially you, now that you have homemade trail mix for tits.

I cannot stress enough that this is no reason to become too upset or to start thinking that men will no longer find you attractive simply because you have lumpy—though I would also add delicious because have I mentioned that I make a killer trail mix?—tits.

There are plenty of guys with weird fetishes who will undoubtedly find your new breasts compelling and plenty more who have yet to realize how erotic they will find your new figure. I would recommend finding an outdoorsy type who already enjoys high energy, all natural snacks.

If it will help to mitigate the emotional discomfort I’m sure you must feel as you adjust to your new appearance, let me take this opportunity to offer you some delicious bags of my homemade trail mix for you to enjoy with your new hiking-enthusiast boyfriend! In light of the circumstances, I am willing to give you a 15% friends-and-family discount on those bags of homemade trail mix. Because as I mentioned earlier, this is a bit of a side business for me, and I would appreciate your business and word-of-mouth endorsements to your friends!

Anyways, I just thought I should explain in case you had noticed anything unusual with regard to your recent surgery. Apart from this, I hope that everything else was to your satisfaction, and please feel free to share your otherwise positive experiences on my Yelp! page!

Yours,

Trail Mix Dr

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