I Am Presently in Hour 3 of My 5 Hour Energy
I am presently in hour 3 of my 5 Hour Energy, which means that I am hard at work on a new method of reading people’s minds by staring intently into their left ear canal. This is a tricky business that requires much concentration and a proximity to your subject that has made many people sitting next to me on the bus very uncomfortable.
Because when I drop a dose of 5 Hour Energy, it is game-fucking-on, my friend.
This shit is positively wicked, and it often allows me to see into the future with alarming clarity, which is why I began shouting at the people on the bus to protect themselves and their families from the imminent alien invasion that will begin late next year and end only after sufficient numbers of human specimens of childbearing age have been harvested for use in unregulated intra-galactic space bordellos frequented by sexually rapacious life forms with a penchant for violent, unprotected anal intercourse.
Admittedly, those people on the bus probably have nothing to worry about from an alien abduction—I wouldn’t have fucked any of them if they paid me. But they still had no business calling the cops or asking me to put my clothes back on.
But as this is, as I mentioned, already hour three of my 5 Hour Energy experience, I should take a moment to recount a few of the other notable episodes from the previous two.
Now I’m not sure how you do it when you’re completely twisted on 500 mcg of vitamin B12, but when I came across that burning house at the end of my street, I was like “Fuck yeah! I want me a piece of that shit!” So in the midst of rescuing that litter of kittens from the second floor, I was also able to requisition an only moderately scorched dining room set and a still functioning Blu-ray player.
Now I’m sorry about the kid and all, but I seriously had no idea that he was upstairs at the time. And to be perfectly honest, he had probably long succumbed to smoke inhalation by the time I arrived, and so it probably made more sense to rescue what was left of the entertainment center rather than subject his parents to the sight of his badly charred remains.
Because did I mention I got a Blu-ray player? Because I fucking did, which makes for a pretty awesome fucking day in my book!
In the interest of full disclosure, it has been suggested by various witnesses and law enforcement officials that I may have started that fire when I tried to forge a new metal by combining copper, tungsten and napalm in a makeshift kiln I fashioned out of a garbage can I found at the at the park just down the street. Whether or not I was in that house’s backyard at the time is unclear, but to be perfectly honest that would have been in hour one of my 5 Hour Energy, and I tend to dissociate during that time and so I can’t really account for anything I may have done then.
Naturally, for the final hour of my 5 Hour Energy I’ll be performing a delicate appendectomy on this cat I found in the alley behind my apartment, and so I’ll need total concentration and focus in order to bring this to a successful completion. I may also require additional assistance in order to attain an optimal degree of concentration, and so you will be happy to know that I was able to score enough crystal meth to cover the amount of time I anticipate will be needed in order to complete this procedure. Because as most people will tell you, cats don’t even possess an appendix, but I’m pretty sure I can find something that closely enough resembles one to make my procedure worthwhile.
So shut the fuck up, please, and let me get to work.