Let’s Get This Office Party Started!

This shit is going to be positively off the goddamned chain! I don’t know about you, but I have been looking forward to this all day! I mean thank God it’s Tuesday, am I right? Because that is how we get down around this here office, you limp-dicked monkey fuckers!

And by the way, fuck Friday happy hour—we get down when it’s time to get the fuck down, business obligations and social proprieties be damned because it’s 10:30 in the morning and this beer isn’t going to drink itself!

Office PartyNow I know that a few of you are still trying to recover from our breakfast meeting yesterday, which had the unfortunate consequence of bleeding into both our lunch and dinner meetings, but I don’t think I have to explain to you all that it’s sort of imperative that you demonstrate the sort of faculties commensurate with being a team player in this organization, and so if you don’t get in at least one keg stand before lunch, we’re going to have to have a formal sit-down this afternoon.

Because we run a tight ship around here, and I don’t see why you should feel it appropriate to recuse yourself from one of our mandatory intra-departmental performance reviews simply because one of our performance criteria involves shotgunning a pint of malt liquor. I shouldn’t have to remind you that failing to achieve an acceptable performance standard can result in serious repercussions that may or may not involve you being branded a pussy by the entire staff.

And please don’t take that as a threat, either. I understand that most of you are fulfilling your current duties, but that doesn’t mean that there aren’t a few of you within the sound of my voice who have failed to live up to my expectations.

And without naming names, I am speaking to a few of you in particular. And I would like to take a moment to speak to John and Becky at this time.

If you can’t keep up with our fast-paced office culture here, then you may soon find yourself on the losing end of some strict disciplinary action, my friend. We simply haven’t the time for slackers around here, and if you can’t find a way to make it home after a long day at the office without acquiring yet another DUI, then you’re going to have to consider whether this organization is really the place for lightweights like yourselves.

Now, I might be willing to put aside the fact that you declined to partake in the cocaine during last week’s quarterly review, but when you refuse to take even one hit off of the ether rag because you “had to attend your daughter’s piano recital later that evening,” I’m afraid that I cannot help but draw some unfortunate conclusions about your potential future with our company.

I think you can understand just how important unity is to the survival of this or any company, to say nothing of the importance of team building and strong interpersonal relationships among colleagues. And so with that in mind, I’d like you to reflect upon whether your son’s next basketball tournament should really supersede your attendance at this Thursday’s formal business dinner at the Pink Poodle, where we’ve managed to reserve the Champaign room with Jasmine and Mercedes from seven until two a.m. I don’t think I have to say that I expect to see everyone there, and if I don’t see a few cold sores on the corners of some of your mouths on Friday morning, I’m going to have to file some grievances with HR and take some disciplinary action.

So like I said, let’s get this goddamned party started you fuck-faced inbred ass jockeys! Because this meeting is officially under way!

Yours,

Office Party!

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