BannedCast

I am here to set the record straight and repudiate the rampant media mischaracterizations regarding UFO abductions. Because I was recently abducted by a UFO, and I can tell you from firsthand experience that being abducted by a UFO is a mostly pleasurable experience.

I have been abducted by UFOs several times over the course of my life, and apart from the anal rape, I would absolutely recommend an alien abduction to anyone looking for a relaxing, spiritual experience.

Most often overlooked in accounts of alien abductions are the incomparable amenities featured on these alien spacecraft. For example, my UFO abductors offered an exceptional all-you-can-eat buffet, unbeatable on-demand video entertainment, phenomenal spa treatments, and stellar (no pun intended) yoga classes.

I can’t recall a more invigorating atmosphere or a time when I felt more at peace than when I was onboard this UFO. The whole experience was both physically and spiritually rejuvenating, with the only slight downside being the commensurate anal rape.

Before going any further, I would like to set one thing straight: most of the sexual interactions between myself and the ambassadors from SXQ1597742 were of a relatively consensual nature, and these anal rapings occupied only a small percentage of my time aboard their craft.

And that is what makes the common portrayal of UFO abductions so frustrating. Because while it is true that the protocols for abductions, at least abductions by the inhabitants of SXQ1597742, do call for a moderate degree of “involuntary anal penetration” of abductees, those protocols also call for a mani-pedi, hot oil massage, and two complimentary tickets to a performance of Cirque du Soliel.

But no one ever talks about that. All they ever mention is the anal rape, as though this were the only thing anyone would ever remember after being taken aboard an intergalactic spaceship and offered two free tickets to Canada’s finest acrobatics show. Sure, you have to choose your Cirque dates from among those not blacked-out due to high demand, but I have enough respect to appreciate a generous gift when it comes my way, even if it does happen to coincide with aggressive alien sodomy.

So the next time you hear of someone being abducted by a UFO, don’t cringe—be jealous! It’s a wonderfully salubrious experience to which, in a perfect world, everyone would be fortunate enough to be subjected at least once in their life. And should you find yourself lucky enough to be abducted some late night while driving along a lonely back-country road, I can promise you that it’s an experience you’ll never forget, and not just because of the unrelenting and sometimes violent nature of intergalactic sodomy.

What you’ll remember most is the lap of luxury to which to you will be entitled, replete with luxuriating aromatherapy mud baths and cleansing facial treatments which will make you wish you might be abducted every week, anal rape notwithstanding.

Yours,