I Did Not Appreciate the Tone with which You Said “Bless You” Earlier Today

When you said “bless you” to me earlier today in the break room after I sneezed into the microwave, I felt that this did not convey a sufficiently genuine concern for my health. Your delivery was devoid of affect and was reflective of a dissociative reflex rather than a true imploration unto my future wellbeing, and in light of this lackluster blessing, I feel that your cock-faced, dickhead sentiments would have been better left unsaid.

If you really want to bear witness to how one should say “bless you,” you should pay closer attention to my delivery because I deliver my “bless you’s” with emphatic sincerity.

For instance just yesterday when Becky sneezed during our staff meeting, I was immediately on hand with an enthusiastic and heartfelt “bless you” that nearly brought tears to the eyes of our regional director. You see, that is just the kind of delivery that is going to get me noticed and help me to ascend the corporate ladder in spite of my flagrant disregard for this company’s strict “no masturbating in the commons” policy and their apparent willingness to scrutinize my online dating habits during work hours.

And I will ascend to the top of this organization not just because Becky is an important executive but because exhibiting this sort of empathic concern before the watchful eyes of others will only help our supervisors to overlook the fact that I accidentally installed that webcam in the women’s restroom last year, and this will undoubtedly work to my benefit when it comes time to dole out this year’s bonuses and intradepartmental promotions.

Lastly—and I really don’t want to make a big deal out of this or foment dissent amongst our department—when I said “bless you” to you last week near the copier, you didn’t so much as thank me, you impish simian prick.

Again, I’m not trying to blow this out of proportion or anything, but we are trying to maintain a civilized society, and when fecal-faced ass-bags like yourself refuse to uphold your end of the sneezing social contract by saying thank you to a generously bestowed blessing of good health, you threaten to undermine the very foundation of our civilization.

Furthermore let’s not forget that the “bless you” custom arose out of the period of the bubonic plague as a way to wish for God’s blessing upon someone who, if sneezing, was soon going to die a horrible, painful death. And so given your recent disregard for my entreaties unto your continued health and God’s favor, I’d just like to say that I hope you die of a protracted, vermin-induced disease distinguished by painful blood-filled buboes appearing near the most sensitive regions of your body. By which I most definitely mean your groin, you ossified shit monkey. That is if there’s any room amongst the scores of herpetic legions that undoubtedly already fill your desiccated inguinal region.

So let this be a lesson to you, dick-face: when you sneeze and someone is kind enough to bestow a blessing of good health and God’s fortune upon you, say thank you, for fuck’s sake. Don’t be the kind of insufferable asshole who cannot muster enough energy and courage to thank the beneficent coworker who took the time to exhibit a modicum of decency by wishing you continued health in spite of your apparent lack thereof. Because even if it’s not the bubonic plague, it’s undoubtedly the herald of some hideously debilitating sexually transmitted disease you contracted from one of your late-night truck stop rendezvous with that one-legged sex worker.

In sum, please don’t insult me with any more of your impotent “bless you’s.”


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