Before We Begin Dating, There Are a Few Things You Should Know About Me

I am looking very forward to this, our first date. I’ve made reservations at the Olive Garden, and I think you will be pleasantly surprised to find that I actually match the image from my profile! I know so many guys tend to post pictures from 10 years and 35 pounds ago, but rest assured, I still look exactly as I did in this, my most recent photograph.

However, before we begin dating and potentially developing a meaningful, long-lasting relationship with the prospect of marriage and children, I feel that I should disclose a few things about me.

Firstly, in the past some dates have asked me, sometimes before the appetizers have had a chance to arrive, about my appearance. Therefore let me get this out of the way immediately: yes, I was born with a harelip. It’s very difficult to tell from my photograph due to the lighting, I know, but I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable about pointing this out.

I have been meaning to get a procedure done to fix it, but I keep running into roadblocks from the insurance company and even my doctor, who is still upset over the fact that I accidentally ran over his cat several times after I duct-taped it to a manhole cover in the middle of my street. The American health care system, huh? I tell you, I’m hoping this Obamacare thing will help turn my fortunes around!

Also, I don’t like loud noises. This includes heavy breathing, ringing cell phones, coughing, cracking knuckles, the sound of heels clicking on hard flooring or pavement (I really hate that), that annoying crinkling sound of cellophane, and any sort of music. In fact, I find any sudden fluctuations in volume when speaking altogether unpleasant, and so it would be best if we established an appropriate speaking volume when we first meet so as to avoid any unnecessary outbursts of frustration on my part.

Before we meet for dinner, I should probably also let you know that I don’t like to be looked directly in the eyes. It’s not a weird thing, I just tend to prefer a more indirect engagement with people, especially when it involves sitting across from them at dinner.

I should also tell you, in case we ever plan to have children, that spontaneous human combustion does run in my family. It’s likely that this is a recessive gene that is only expressed when paired with another recessive one, and so long as this doesn’t also run in your family, it shouldn’t be a problem. Also, it seems to skip a generation, and given that one of my sisters succumbed to this unfortunate heredity, our children should be safe. However, our grandchildren will have to keep a fire extinguisher nearby them at all times.

As my profile indicated, I have been married before. Twice. But allow me clarify something because it is not what you think. These were Russian mail-order brides, and by the time they arrived they were so malnourished that they died within several weeks of each other. I ordered two at once on the expectation that one of them might die, so having both of them perish was particularly heartbreaking. And technically, I’m a widower.

I have also had several homosexual experiences. These occurred mostly in college, and only a few times between the ages of 6 and 9 with a next-door neighbor. He was in High School, and so I was pretty flattered at the time.

Lastly, on a totally unrelated topic, and I’m not saying that we’ll necessarily do this tonight (unless you have that extra glass of wine at dinner! JK!), but I do tend to cry during sex. A lot of women are made uncomfortable by this, but I don’t want you to feel that way. I would prefer if you would see it as a beautiful expression of intimacy and not a manifestation of a crippling post-traumatic stress disorder.

Now that we have all that housekeeping out of the way, I feel so much better about our upcoming date tonight! I am really looking forward to this opportunity. I showed your picture to a few of my friends, and they all agree that you’re a solid five-and-a-half.



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