Word on the Street Is That You’re My Secret Santa

Word on the street is that you’re my Secret Santa, and because I don’t want this to be a wasted opportunity, I thought I would describe for you exactly the sort of gift that I would like and will expect from you. Because a Secret Santa gift exchange is nothing short of an opportunity to impress one’s coworkers.

With this in mind, I want you to disregard all of that nonsense I posted on the sign-up list regarding my prosaic hobbies and interests. Those were just necessary filler until I could discover just who among our department had drawn my name for this year’s Secret Santa. Rest assured that I don’t harbor a tremendous fondness for Longaberger baskets or Precious Moments figurines, in other words. It’s true that I collect them, but I would never entrust anyone else with picking one out for me, mostly because I have no interest in receiving duplicates of those I already have.

That is why I would like you to cosign this bank loan so that I can get some boss 20-inch spinning rims for my 2002 Dodge Neon.

Because cosigning this loan will totally help to to trick out this forest green Dodge Neon of mine, which will really help to divert attention away from the dented fenders and nascent rust spots presently developing around the wheel wells. And with regard to those dents and scratches, I don’t know why I have such a hard time driving in parking garages, but it probably has something to do with the fact that I like to see how far I can go while coasting in neutral down those ramps without using my brakes. Plus alcohol. Lots of alcohol.

Now, I understand that 20-inch spinning rims may seem to fall outside the bounds of the holiday spirit and may appear especially unusual for a Secret Santa gift exchange, but I don’t think I have to tell you that we work in an innovative office culture. And what better way to stand out from the rest of our colleagues and attract the attention of our bosses and upper-level executives?

Just think of how impressed they will be when, in the midst of everyone else exchanging the same cliché paperweights and $20 kinetic desk sculptures from the Sears and Roebuck clearance rack, you present me with the signature to cosign my $15,000 loan for a set of 20-inch spinning rims and cut me a check for 11% of the down payment!

Because yeah, so long as you’re going to cosign, it would probably make sense if you also contribute a little to the down payment, of course. There’s no sense in half-assing this thing, and that suggested gift price range of $15-20 is just that: a suggested price range. Frankly, I’m a little embarrassed for you that I should even have to mention this, but you haven’t always been the most perceptive readers of social cues, and you should be fully committed to helping me out with a little cash so that I can arrive to this office in proper style on a daily basis in the coming year.

Lastly, this Secret Santa thing cuts both ways, and I think I know of someone who will very soon be in possession of a pretty sweet Olive Garden gift certificate (wink, wink!). Because you totally deserve it, buddy!


Secret Santa

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