This Dick Pic is the Truest Testament of My Undying Love for You
On this, the 12 ½-hour anniversary of our connecting via OkCupid, I wanted to do something special that would attest to the sincerity of my truest feelings for you and demonstrate that I am just the kind of man for which you have been scouring the internet.
That is why I have sent you these tasteful pictures of my dick.
And I am not at all deterred by the fact that we have yet to meet in person, nor am I dissuaded by the fact that you have ignored my seven previous messages that I have sent to you over that last 90 minutes—I can only presume that you are simply struggling to properly articulate your own love for me and the overwhelming emotions that have undoubtedly consumed you over the last several hours of our correspondence.
Because it is clear that divine intervention has brought us together in the same way that Romeo and Juliet were once brought together beneath a moonlit Verona sky, except that Romeo didn’t have the wherewithal or technical capability to send Juliet a picture of his dick. Perhaps he gave her a sketch, I’m not sure because I’ve honestly never read that pussified shit, but I’m sure that if he could have, he undoubtedly would have used his Samsung Galaxy S4 to take a picture of his dick in the same way that I have just done for you.
And I just want to say, if I could, that I struggled to get the lighting exactly right, desperate as I was to make this the most tasteful dick pic for you, and so if by chance you discern any disappointing lack of girth in this photograph of my dick, just know that it was the angle and the lighting, okay?
I mean, I put a filter on it, too, because yeah, there may be a few residual warts on there, but don’t get all pious and sanctimonious on me. 70% of sexually active adults have some form of genital warts, and just because mine happen to look like a cross between spoiled caviar and an infected bed sore doesn’t mean that you can start acting like some virginal princess. Because while it’s true that most people would have opted to get them lanced off, the last time I went to the clinic they told me that the procedure would cost like $45, and I’m sorry, but that’s my fucking beer money. And anyway, most of the time you can’t even notice the smell, so don’t worry too much about it. Regardless, true love like ours sees past these sorts of trifling inconveniences.
So please enjoy these sentimental dick pics! However, please don’t interpret this as an invitation to send me a picture of your vagina. I prefer that shit in the dark. No amount of filters or airbrushing can ever make even the best vagina look like anything other than a desiccated Venus fly trap.
Tit pics are okay. Please send me some of those.