Intra-Office Departmental Email from a Woman with No Tact and a Tendency to Overuse Parentheses, Parenthetical Clauses, and Commas

Re: Potluck lunch

Barbara (et. al),

I think Barbara’s idea of holding a departmental potluck lunch meeting this Friday is fantastic, and I’d like to be the first to respond to the invitation. (Sorry! I guess it’s just my enthusiasm for Barbara’s great ideas!)

Being the first, I guess I’ll offer to bring the desert! Rest assured that I won’t bring just any prosaic store-bought desert purchased in a mad dash at the Walmart on my way to work following another fight with my abusive, closeted homosexual husband! (I won’t mention any names, LISA! LOL! JK!)

I’ll be bringing my homemade, secret ingredient cookies! I couldn’t help but notice that there weren’t any cookies left after this year’s holiday party, so at least someone other than “Diabetic Dan” from accounting seems to enjoy them! That is, because you’ll recall that his little autoerotic asphyxiation accident occurred the week before last year’s holiday party, which probably leaves Shelia as suspect number one for our departmental “cookie monster,” considering that she has visibly ballooned to near Dan-like proportions in the wake of the dissolution of her engagement to Michael last October.

And speaking of secrets, I should add that the secret ingredient in my cookies is of course LOVE! and not Percocet, which I know will come as a disappointment to some, in particular Natalie, whose desk drawers are positively overflowing with empty prescription bottles.

I can’t wait for Friday! And I sincerely hope that everyone can see their way to overlooking the hair on Barbara’s upper lip this time. It’s a natural part of aging and she does her best to bleach it away, so I don’t understand why everyone has to snicker about it behind her back at the copy machine in the morning. I for one think it makes her look professional and handsome.

See you all Friday!

Best,

Becky

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