BannedCast

It’s a new year, and that means another opportunity for us all to assess our lives and confront some difficult and unfortunate shortcomings. We all have them, and in past years, I’ve resolved to stop peeing in my neighbor’s garden at night, start wearing socks to work, and stop singing Billy Joel hits in a high falsetto while waiting in line at Safeway. 

This year I’ve decided to make a long overdue and honest appraisal of my lackluster bathing habits. There’s nothing like the start of a new calendar year to make a fresh go of it, and that is why this year, starting tonight, I intend to bathe exclusively in Spaghetti-O’s. 

Crazy? Hardly. I’ve done the research, which includes having bathed our family’s gimp-legged pomeranian in nothing but Spaghetti-O’s for the past five-and-a-half months, and I can assure you that her coat has never looked more healthy and robust. 

In conversations with coworkers and Safeway cashiers, I’ve discovered that most people are completely unaware how flush with antioxidants and anticarcinogens Spaghetti-O’s actually are, and that goes for both the dinosaur-shaped and meatball Spaghetti-O varieties. Furthermore, just about everyone seems to not only doubt but outright reject the fact that Spaghetti-O’s have also been shown to reduce the appearance of wrinkles and prevent the proliferation of inguinal warts when used as a bathing agent. 

My New Year’s resolution should make believers of them all. 

Making this incredible change requires some strategic planning, first and foremost beginning with the obtaining of a Costco membership so that I may purchase the requisite bulk-sized cans of Spaghetti-O’s that will be needed to fill my bathtub on a daily basis because this will not be any sort of half-assed, weekend-warrior activity. For this New Year’s resolution to have any meaningful impact, I will need to bathe in Spaghetti-O’s several times a day, seven days a week, and I’ve already notified my employer that I will require special scheduling accommodations in order to maintain this strict regimen. 

Secondly, few people appreciate, including both my coworkers and immediate family, that like fine wine, Spaghetti-O’s react with air in a way that more fully accentuates its salubrious, life-enhancing qualities, which is why I’ve removed our guest bathroom bathtub and placed it in the backyard. 

The liberating experience of bathing in the open air is unlike any other, save perhaps the liberating experience of peeing in your neighbor’s garden under a full moon, and if you’re willing to make the effort to bathe in Spaghetti-O’s despite your wife and daughter’s vehement pleas to refrain, you damn well ought to go the whole nine yards and do it out in God’s open air, neighbors’ and law enforcement’s complaints be damned. They will all be so much more the jealous by this time next year, once I’ve completed 365 days of regular, bi-hourly outdoor Spaghetti-O’s baths and my skin is a shiny, boyishly supple and supremely rejuvenated rosy hue. 

Thirdly and lastly, it is not enough to merely bathe in Spaghetti-O’s out of doors–one must ensure a serene and meditative state devoid of noisome interruptions in the form of disgusted neighbors, pleading wives, and taunting schoolchildren. Therefore, I did not hesitate to dip into my daughter’s college fund in order to purchase a used set of vintage JBL floor speakers on eBay that I subsequently placed on either side of my outdoor Spaghetti-O’s bathtub. I then managed to wire these to our living-room stereo receiver after drilling several holes through our exterior stucco walls and running the speaker cables through them. By playing Enya’s seminal album A Day Without Rain at maximum volume while I luxuriate, I will ensure a more peaceful, and therefore salubrious, Spaghetti-O’s bathing experience, naysayers and law enforcement officials be damned. 

Happy New Year,