Pitbulls Are for Pussies
This surely won’t win BannedCast any new fans, but it bears saying that pitbulls are for pussies.
To begin, a pitbull just seems like a very inefficient way to tell the world that earning a GED was too tall an order and that you consider Adam Sandler a consummate thesbian.
For example, you could instead rock an Affliction t-shirt and shotgun your creatine-and-Rockstar energy drink from behind the wheel of your yellow Chevy Camaro on your way to 24-Hour Fitness to high-five your dude-bros while powering through a monster set of leg crunches.
Or if that seems needlessly intricate, you might simply purchase any MMA pay-per-view package and refer to your girlfriend as your “old lady” before reminding your friends that you “smashed that pussy hard” the night before.
In other words, a dog is a lot of commitment. They’re not like those illegitimate children you no longer pay child support to—dogs need walks like three times a day and a rabies shot once a year.
Furthermore, shotgunning energy drinks and driving an American muscle car doesn’t carry the same risk as having your pitbull forcibly sodomize your 18-month-old next to the faded Slip’N Slide in the backyard, either.
Because that is a thing. Pitbulls are like the Bill Cosbys of the animal kingdom in that way …
Okay, that might be going a bit too far, I admit, because that’s not quite fair to Bill Cosby—he at least waits until they’re 18 years old before he rigorously violates the anal canals of unconscious women, it’s true.
But here’s all you need to know about pit bulls: PETA, the people who believe that fishing is unethical because fish have feelings, also believes that pitbulls have no place in society. In recent years they may have walked back their initial position, but at one point in the recent past they did believe that pitbulls should be euthanized.
The point is that there is an inverse correlation between the size of your dog and the size of your dick, and if PETA can see through your lame attempt to impose your insecurity upon the rest of society, then it may be time to reexamine whether your pet should make a statement or whether it should simply be something that keeps you company while you piss away your life from behind the controller of an XBox game console.