This surely won’t win BannedCast any new fans, but it bears saying that pitbulls are for pussies.
To begin, a pitbull just seems like a very inefficient way to tell the world that earning a GED was too tall an order and that you consider Adam Sandler a consummate thesbian.
I’m drinking a Monster Energy Zero Ultra as I write this at 4 a.m. from my one-bedroom apartment in Koreatown, and while examining the can this morning between increasingly aggressive sips, I noticed an advisory label that reads: “Not recommended for children, people sensitive to caffeine, pregnant women or women who are nursing.”
Welcome to Los Angeles, you now have permission to ask if the free samples at Trader Joe’s are vegan.
You should also know that your infant child is the most precious thing in LA, to say nothing of the world at large, and so it is everyone’s responsibility to tolerate, if not appreciate and embrace your child’s every whim and public tantrum, even if and especially when these crying outbursts occur in the special exhibition gallery at the Getty museum on a Wednesday afternoon. Because exposing your children to priceless works of art is an important part of their upbringing, even if they are still too young to abstain from shitting themselves and cannot yet form the consonants necessary to say, “Is this soy-based non-dairy creamer organic?”
The response to our top ten videos of the 80s was so overwhelming that we at BannedCast found ourselves besieged with requests for more! Remember that scene in Miracle on 34th Street where they bring bags of letters addressed to Santa into the courtroom to prove the existence of St. Nicholas? It was sort of like that, except that most of what we received was junk mail mixed with the occasional death threat from angry furries who still disapprove of DB’s Sound and the Fur(r)y blog, but that makes it no less overwhelming!
Here, then, are BannedCast’s top ten music videos of the 90s. That is: These are the videos that best represent the decade, not the best in terms of artistry because neither Marilyn Manson’s “Beautiful People” nor Smashing Pumpkins’ “1979” videos appear on this list—it would be an insult to include them among the occasionally shitty company included here. Anyways, enjoy, as there are some guilty pleasures mixed in here.
Happy Super Bowl weekend, everyone! I will refer to this as Super Bowl 2015 because I don’t know how to read those ridiculous Roman Numerals that are supposed to indicate just which number Super Bowl this is. Correction: I refuse to read those Roman numerals that seem to have no purpose other than to make me and countless others feel inferior because we cannot decipher the cryptic meaning of a few misplaced letters meant to signify a numerical quantity.
It’s not often that you find yourself standing next to a six-foot tall squirrel at the bar while waiting to order a Miller Lite. And if ordering a beer next to a plush cartoon character who can barely manipulate the currency needed to pay for a peach-colored drink that would be more at home in a sippy cup being handled by an infant child isn’t odd enough, then watching said squirrel consume that liquor through a straw through its plastic snout should certainly qualify as “exceptional” at the very least.
Today I compromised my productivity at work by slamming a pot of Folgers coffee and Googling 80s music videos, and I have compiled the following list of the top ten greatest 80s music videos in terms of either their awesomeness or how well they represent that formative decade in my life known as the 80s.
And yes, it was a shitty decade, which explains my all-consuming misanthropy.
1. Don’t leave your clothes in the community washer or dryer for more than 10 minutes after the end of a wash
2. Don’t piss in the dryers
3. Break down your fucking boxes before throwing them out
4. Civil engineers are assholes
How can I begin to describe for you my love for all things Venus and Serena Williams? It’s not a creepy thing … Okay, it’s slightly creepy, but I cannot help that I’m attracted to beautiful, athletic women. And so when I hear others insulting the Williams sisters or denigrating their talent by claiming that they do not deserve as much prize money as men for their tournament wins, I get a little upset.
The world is a truly fucked-up place: Russia has returned to conquering foreign territories, the polar ice caps are melting, and Tyler Perry is undoubtedly hard at work on yet another Madea movie script.
But no matter how bleak and unforgiving the world may seem, Sheryl Sandberg, the Chief Operating Officer at Facebook, is always there to save us from ourselves, and she is presently invested in our collective well-being with her campaign to ban the word “bossy.”