Welcome aboard! I’m glad to see that you’ve made the wise and prudent decision to jump aboard this, my sanctimonious bandwagon.
Please don’t be concerned about room—there’s always plenty of space for newcomers!
Read more
I recently sold my car to CarMax, and while the experience was slightly better than being sexually assaulted by a stranger on Craigslist, I still take umbrage with a few of the details.
Read more
Peer pressure isn’t always a bad thing. In your case, a little peer pressure might be especially beneficial.
Read more
I love Netflix, and so do you.
The reason we all love Netflix so much is because we all, Americans in particular, collectively hate to read.
Read more
I like dogs. I have a dog. Dogs are wonderful animals and great companions.
They are not, however, replacements for or equal in importance to people, and they are neither a lifestyle choice nor a political cause.
Read more
It’s that time of year again: Burning Man.
For those of you who may not be familiar with the concept, allow me to explain that this is that special time of year when today’s newest breed of pretentious hipster ravers flock to the Black Rock City Nevada desert to celebrate all things craft beer, EDM, and anti-establishment platitudes while engorged on copious amounts of designer drugs that allow for meaningless and altogether joyless sex with multiple unwashed and relatively unconscious partners.
Read more
This is not just another shitty travelogue that is essentially the adult equivalent of a nine-year-old’s “How I Spent My Summer Vacation” writing assignment. This is instead an extended travelogue from someone who already wrote and published one book all about his cross-country travels on a Honda Shadow 1100. So like a bad sequel that no one was asking for, here is an account of my recent travels, this time via Mini Cooper, from Chicago to Los Angeles:
I was recently sitting on the #19 bus in San Francisco with nothing to do other than observe the passing reality around me. In this case, that reality consisted of a homeless meth-head blocking the door and yelling at passengers to return his stolen Strawberry Shortcake Pez dispenser.
This week, I had the good fortune to be sitting in Tribal Cafe in Los Angeles, sipping a ginger tea and tapping out an email on my phone, when I looked up in time to watch a woman storm up to my scooter as it was parked across the street and furiously push it over, all while screaming “Fuck you!” to no one in particular.
Everyone loves Disneyland until you actually get there. Disneyland is in the business of destroying every adult’s dream of reliving their childhood by providing a few acres filled with screaming children and urine-soaked, measles-infected seating from which to view scenes of animatronic pirates chasing and ostensibly sexually assaulting animatronic women. And you get all this for the price of a $90 ticket.