Tanner’s Laundry List of all of the Ways in which You Probably Annoy Him:

1. Don’t leave your clothes in the community washer or dryer for more than 10 minutes after the end of a wash

2. Don’t piss in the dryers

3. Break down your fucking boxes before throwing them out

4. Civil engineers are assholes

5. Squirrels need to stop running into oncoming traffic

6. Don’t wear visors—they make you look like a bitch

7. Wash your hair before it starts to smell

8. If you happen to drop a pubic hair on the toilet or urinal, wipe it up

9. Walk your mail to the mailbox, you lazy piece of shit—don’t send everything via email

10. Stop being in such a fucking rush

11. Hurry your ass up and don’t block the aisle in the grocery store

12. Skinny jeans are fucking stupid

13. Beef jerky and cheese balls are delicious, so get your own and don’t eat mine

14. Space is a waste of time—stop trying to go to Mars

15. Don’t bother sending a one-word text message

16. Electronic billboards are fucking stupid

17. People who wear oversized headphones around their neck as a fashion statement are assholes

18. Look up from your goddamn phone when crossing the street

19. Vegans are assholes

20. Indiana Jones sucks

21. Men with toe fungus shouldn’t wear sandals—your feet are disgusting

22. Stop picking your fucking nose

23. Van Halen sucks

24. Don’t spit your gum out on the sidewalk, you rat-faced piece of shit—in fact, don’t chew gum at all

25. I’ll cross my legs ankle-to-ankle if I want to, it doesn’t make me effeminate

26. Ladies: stop opening your mouth when you’re surprised—it makes you look stupid

27. Superheroes shouldn’t wear tights—it makes them look like pussies

28. Canadian geese should be euthanized. All of them.

29. Magicians are fucking liars

30. Meteorologists are assholes

31. Your hat makes you look stupid

32. Keep your stupid opinions to yourself

33. Yellow school buses look stupid—paint them a different color


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