I am presently in hour 3 of my 5 Hour Energy, which means that I am hard at work on a new method of reading people’s minds by staring intently into their left ear canal. This is a tricky business that requires much concentration and a proximity to your subject that has made many people sitting next to me on the bus very uncomfortable.
Because when I drop a dose of 5 Hour Energy, it is game-fucking-on, my friend.
I am here to set the record straight and repudiate the rampant media mischaracterizations regarding UFO abductions. Because I was recently abducted by a UFO, and I can tell you from firsthand experience that being abducted by a UFO is a mostly pleasurable experience.
I have been abducted by UFOs several times over the course of my life, and apart from the anal rape, I would absolutely recommend an alien abduction to anyone looking for a relaxing, spiritual experience.