Tag Archives: work

The Office

They say that you should never ask a woman with a large stomach about her pregnancy because she may just be overweight and not pregnant. Second on that list of things you should never do is ask your chiseled-chinned coworker if she was born a man.

When coworkers bring their children to work with them, it only reaffirms my support for late-term abortions and my opposition to breeding in general.

No one commented on my recent haircut, which leads me to believe that I made a poor decision with respect to its style.

I am not impressed with grown men who attend office meetings wearing sandals with manicured nails.

I suspect that no one has ever told the attractive intern to just shut the fuck up.

The Office

I spent the first half of my workday with my pants zipper unzipped.

Apparently, the new girl has either irritable bowel syndrome, very poor motor control, very poor social skills, or a combination thereof.

Chain emails are the 21st-century office equivalent of listening to nails on a chalkboard while receiving a colonoscopy.

I detest the guy who works across the hall from me, and I suspect that he detests me as well. One of my greatest disappointments in life is that I haven’t been able to accrue more respectable enemies because the guy with whom I share a mutual disdain lives alone, plays video games, and has strong opinions on the new Star Wars film trailer.