8 Things I Learned from Watching Prometheus

1. Geologists are assholes.

2. If you’re going to travel half a billion miles to certain death, it may just be worth it if it means getting to sleep with Charlize Theron even once.

3. Don’t accept a drink from a robot. At best it’s spiked with roofies, at worst it’s spiked with alien DNA. Either way, it’s going to be a rough night.

4. Interstellar abortions are messy.

5. Apparently those Ancient Aliens shows on History Channel are fact and not the ravings of malcontent virgins.

6. Best to leave cave paintings alone, and anyways, most of them look like the sort of shit you’d hang on your refrigerator when your kid comes home from Kindergarten.

7. Bring an accordion on interstellar journeys. Chicks dig it.

8. Sometimes your aborted alien foetus can be your best friend.

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