The Movies

The man seated next to me during opening night of the new Marvel movie was alone and proceeded to chew loudly on his fingernails throughout the entirety of the film.

People who don’t throw away their own trash after a movie should be sterilized.

I’m pretty sure that if I replaced movie theater popcorn with a bag of children’s scabs covered in butter, no one would notice the difference because if you enjoy popcorn, especially the movie theater variety, chances are you’re a fucking idiot.

3D movie glasses don’t block out the sun, and they also don’t block out terrible plot and dialogue.

Advertisements before movies make me wish that a body-armored gunman would storm the theater and put me and the rest of the audience out of our collective misery. 

The thirty-year-old cashier at Safeway near my house has the Superman logo tattooed on the side of his neck, and the only thing running through my mind as he’s ringing up my groceries is that this tattoo is probably what prevented him from getting a cashier’s job at Whole Foods.

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