My coworker looks like Lee Harvey Oswald.

I always walk fast, not just to get where I’m going more quickly but also to get away from other people.

I didn’t wear a belt to work today. If anyone noticed, they didn’t say anything.

It turns out that my resting heart rate is 49 beats-per-minute. I told the nurse that it’s just a physiological reflection of how much I don’t care about genetically modified foods. She responded by asking if I use drugs.

The woman who sits in the cubicle nearest the doors to the restroom knows too much about everyone’s bathroom habits. Especially mine.

When I’m at work, I try to be as discreet as possible when listening to either Seal or Coldplay. People already consider me enough of an asshole.

Laser pointers are the office equivalent of Ed Hardy t-shirts.

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