Facebook to Offer Users New Way to Insult Friends and Family
Earlier this week, Facebook announced plans to introduce a new “dislike” feature alongside its traditional “like” button. The new button will appear beside the thumbs-up icon included as part of all posts on its website, offering users a new way to insult their friends and family.
“Now I can finally tell people what I really think of all those dead-parent posts,” said Clarissa, a Facebook user in Los Angeles, responding to the news. “Because I can’t stand those fucking posts, especially when they have spelling and grammatical errors. A dangling participle is no way to honor your dead mother.”
Richard, a Facebook user in Miami, also welcomed the news. “I’m just sick of people trying to guilt trip me into liking their status updates with petitions about sex trafficking and childhood leukemia shit. A dislike button should help to put a stop to those things, I think.”
The new button will likely cause some consternation among other users, as not everyone is as enthusiastic about the prospect of a dislike button.
“When people don’t like my posts now, they just ignore them and I can tell myself that they just didn’t see it in their news feed,” said Jonathan, a Facebook user in Omaha. “A dislike button—that may just remove the security of that denial.”
Mark Zuckerberg, CEO of Facebook, insists that the new feature will only improve user experience. “It’s important to give people more options than just ‘like,’” Zuckerberg recently said. Not every moment is a good moment.”
It’s worth remembering that not every moment is a good moment. A cursory scan of Jonathan’s homepage reveals an endless scroll of selfies and updates on the latest episodes of Game of Thrones alongside poorly framed images of his lunchtime order from Panda Express.
“The sooner they get this button up, the better,” Clarissa added. “Because my friend’s younger sister is in a coma right now, and this maudlin shit is really messing with my news feed. Oh, and I really hate hashtags like #prayforsarah. Because for the last fucking time: capitalize the first letter of each new word in a hashtag!”