Minnesota Dentist Reaffirms Man’s Place at the Top of the Food Chain
In a stunning reaffirmation of mankind’s status as the animal kingdom’s foremost predator, Minnesota dentist Walter Palmer reclaimed Man’s place at the top of the food chain earlier this week.
In what many are calling the most welcomed triumph of man over beast since Ray Rice successfully defended himself against an inebriated assailant in an Atlantic City elevator last summer, Palmer courageously vanquished and thereafter eviscerated one of God’s most reviled loathsome aberrations in the form of a 13-year-old lion known as Cecil. The lion’s name is an apparent reference to Cecil B. DeMille, whose films are regarded by locals as “amateurish” and “overly bombastic.”
Using only his wits, several indigent African guides, a small flank of gasoline-powered 500-watt halogen lamps, a shotgun, and 50,000 US dollars, Walter Palmer, dentist, father, and sporting enthusiast, triumphed over Cecil following a tense 48-hour standoff during which Cecil cowardly tried to flee after being shot with a crossbow. Palmer was ultimately victorious when he at last fired a slug from a 12-gauge Remington into the base of Cecil’s cervical vertebrae.
With the exception of a few anonymous online commenters, local and international reaction has been overwhelmingly positive, and there is already a movement underway to erect a monument in honor of Palmer’s selfless bravery.
“Cecil strutted around here with his dick hanging out, challenging anyone who came near him and openly fornicating with multiple lionesses who may or may not have been willing partners. Plus, Cecil did nothing to help raise those cubs,” said local Justine Nabuufu. “He was just a lazy sack of shit and I’m glad that he’s dead. I hope he suffered.”
Speaking from a nearby hotel, Palmer proudly recounted the event and described the moment when, after several turns kicking Cecil’s rapidly decomposing corpse and mimicking sexual acts with the lion’s left orbital socket, he was able to sever Cecil’s head with a Black and Decker hacksaw and remove his hide using a rusted Kitchen Aid serrated vegetable knife.
“I would have liked to anally violate that bastard with the branch of a nearby tree in honor of Katherine and for a better photo to post on Facebook, but there just wasn’t enough time,” Palmer said, referring to Katherine Chappell, an editor for the highly overrated HBO program Game of Thrones who earlier this year was mauled to death by a lioness while on safari in South Africa.
“It’s something I really regret because I think it would have been good for children the world over to see that so long as there are brave people like myself out there, they have nothing to worry about from these overgrown fuck-faced felines,” Palmer added, shaking his head solemnly. “The way I see it, they took one of ours, and so it was my duty to take one of theirs.”
Palmer says he’s glad he can be a symbol of freedom and triumph for adoring fans the world over. “But I don’t want this to be all about me. I’m just happy to be a source of pride for all mankind in our continuing struggle to assert our place over the beasts.”