Minnesota Dentist Reaffirms Man’s Place at the Top of the Food Chain

In a stunning reaffirmation of mankind’s status as the animal kingdom’s foremost predator, Minnesota dentist Walter Palmer reclaimed Man’s place at the top of the food chain earlier this week.

In what many are calling a triumph, Palmer courageously vanquished and thereafter eviscerated one of God’s most reviled and loathsome aberrations in the form of a 13-year-old lion known as Cecil. The lion’s name is an apparent reference to Cecil B. DeMille, whose films are regarded by many as “amateurish” and “overly bombastic.”

Using only his wits, several indigent African guides, a small flank of gasoline-powered 500-watt halogen lamps, a shotgun, and 50,000 US dollars, Walter Palmer, dentist, father, and sporting enthusiast, triumphed over Cecil following a tense 48-hour standoff during which Cecil cowardly tried to flee after being shot with a crossbow. Palmer was ultimately victorious when he at last fired a slug from a 12-gauge Remington into the base of Cecil’s cervical vertebrae.   

With the exception of a few anonymous online commenters, local and international reaction has been overwhelmingly positive.

“Cecil strutted around here with his dick hanging out, challenging anyone who came near him and openly fornicating with multiple lionesses who may or may not have been willing partners. Plus, Cecil did nothing to help raise those cubs,” said one local woman. “He was just a lazy sack of shit and I’m glad he’s dead. I hope he suffered.”

Speaking from a nearby hotel, Palmer proudly recounted the event and described the moment when, after several turns kicking Cecil’s rapidly decomposing corpse and mimicking sexual acts with the lion’s left orbital socket, he removed Cecil’s head with a Black and Decker hacksaw.

Palmer says he’s glad he can be a symbol of freedom and triumph for adoring fans the world over. “But I don’t want this to be all about me. I’m just happy to be a source of pride for all mankind in our continuing struggle to assert our place over the beasts.”


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