Putin’s Homosexual Propaganda

Russia recently passed a law classifying “homosexual propaganda” as pornography. This law, which is inscrutably vague, outlaws “propaganda on nontraditional sexual relationships.” Most interestingly, Putin signed this ban into law with no apparent sense of irony.

The inherent irony, of course, is that nearly all of Vladamir Putin’s own propaganda, most of which involves him topless and engaged in many masculine activities designed to demonstrate his ineluctable virility, is overtly homoerotic in nature and would be right at home framed on the walls of any self-respecting gay bar across this or any country.

Because Vladamir Putin is what the gay community might refer to as a “Muscle Bear,” an imposing, virile and dominant man, who might also inhabit the role of a “Marlboro Man,” supposing that Putin harbors a secret penchant for giving fellatio. Other monikers from the gay community, like “Muffin Bear,” which would take into account Putin’s diminutive stature, might also prove appropriate.

However with the passage of this new law, production and public distribution of photographs such as those depicting him topless and engaged in a wrestling match with another man would put Putin at risk of violating his own law, making him eligible for arrest.

Thus Putin’s condemnation of gays and whatever he and his government consider “gay propaganda” stands in direct contradiction to his own media imprint, namely that of a shirtless rogue posing with all of the suggestive glamour of one gunning for a spot as master of ceremonies at next year’s Gay Pride parade.

Of course, when defending the law at a recent news conference, Putin did say, “This is not about imposing any kind of sanctions against homosexuality. This is about protecting children,” which we can only take to mean that Putin knows that no children should be subjected to topless images of him, no matter what their God-given sexual orientation.

If this is the case, he must know that we all agree, but he should also be made aware that there are better ways of protecting Russian children from unnecessarily homoerotic images of their country’s leader. He can start by keeping his shirt on.

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