You Hear That? That’s the Sound of One Hand Clapping, Motherfucker!

You hear that? That’s the sound of one hand clapping, motherfucker! I guess I’ve just proven another one of your theories wrong.

Correction: I’ve just proven two of your theories wrong!

Theory number one: I cannot clap with just one hand.

Theory number two: I cannot walk around for one whole day with my left hand Super Glued to my dick.

Because I just did, motherfucker, and thus I am providing myself a resounding round of applause with this, my one free hand.

Shit, man, you look like a goddamned fool. What the hell were you thinking, betting me $30 plus a free meal at Applebee’s if I would do this? Honestly, your idiocy with respect to this undertaking is just astonishing.

What on Earth could compel you to imagine that I wouldn’t have the testicular fortitude to successfully undertake this challenge? You positively lack that capacity to recognize greatness in others, and that is precisely why you will soon be buying me an order of chicken wonton tacos, an order of Applebee’s signature sirloin with garlic herb shrimp, and a side of toasted garlic breadsticks finshed off, of course, with a triple chocolate meltdown.

And for you? You will be enjoying a nice helping of humble pie with a side of concession soup. Yeah, that is a thing.

The part that really blows me away? It wasn’t even all that difficult to spend a day with my left hand Super Glued to my dick!

Sure, I got a few sideways looks at the Safeway, and they wouldn’t let me on the bus on my way home from visiting my grandma, but for fuck’s sake, dude—your assertion that this would be impossible to do without getting arrested was just way, way overblown.

Super glueYou’d be amazed at how many people prefer to look the other way and hurry along about their business when they suspect that your hand may be holding and/or Super Glued to your dick.

Most people don’t even bother with alarming an officer of the law. And those who do accost a nearby peace officer? Well, it takes some time to overcome the difficulties in describing what they’ve seen as well as to overcome the responding officer’s incredulity, and this affords me ample time to make a leisurely getaway.

And think about it: what cop really wants to be known around the station as the guy who arrested the dude who Super Glued his dick to his left hand? That’s a moniker that isn’t so easily shaken, no pun intended.

So what time should I expect you to pick me up so we can hit the Applebee’s? We had better make it some time after eight because I still haven’t figured out how to unglue my dick from my hand.

By the way, how much longer is this glue going to last? You told me this shit wears off after a couple hours, and I kind of need my hand free. I have to get ready for my child custody hearing tomorrow, plus I don’t know how I’m going to change my shirt before our dinner tonight.

Yours,

Fuck yeah! Jeff.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s