Now That I Have Completed My Mandatory Online Sexual Harassment Training …

Now that I have completed my mandatory online sexual harassment training, I’m going to print out my certificate of completion and rub your body down with it.

That’s right. This training got me thinking about you, girl, and all the ways I’d like to sex you down.

Because you are just too fine for words.

Too fine for words, but I’m going to try some on for you nonetheless. Here are just a few that come to mind when I’m undressing you with my eyes:













Lysergic Diethylamide





You like that? I’ll bet you do. You look like you enjoy a little dirty talk.

What’s this? Oh, this is just a picture of me dressed up as Conan the Barbarian that I happen to be carrying in my wallet. I took it last night while I was thinking of you.

But let’s get one thing straight: I do not mean any of this in an overtly sexual way.

I have learned a lot from my mandatory sexual harassment training, and I don’t want to risk any unwarranted litigation with regard to this friendly exchange. We are simply two professional colleagues discussing our personal interests and hobbies in the break room while waiting for this pot of Folgers Toasted Hazelnut coffee to brew.

And it makes no difference that I’m your supervisor and you are an intern nearing the end of her temporary employment here. Yes, I know you’re interested in full-time employment, but that’s a discussion for a more formal setting. This is just us getting to know a little bit more about each other.

That’s what I love most about the break room atmosphere—getting to loosen our ties, let our hair down, and just talk like everyday people without the interference of titles and corporate hierarchies, you know?

Ah, I see you take your coffee black. I hope that isn’t how you take your men, too!

I’m only kidding, of course. And by that last remark I meant nothing racial, either. I may not yet have completed the mandatory multicultural sensitivity training, but I understand that off-color remarks about coloreds have no place in this office.

But I can see that you’re ready to return to work. It was great sharing this business-appropriate break-time conversation with you. I will now step aside so as not to invade your personal space as you pass by and make your way out of the break room door.

I actually hadn’t realized that I hadn’t given you enough room to pass by me before, and of course, if I happened to have brushed up against you at any time during our conversation, this was entirely accidental.

I hope to see you around! Next time I promise not to be such a gosh-darn chatterbox!


I am a competent businessman

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