Now That I Have Completed My Mandatory Online Sexual Harassment Training …

Now that I have completed my mandatory online sexual harassment training, I’m going to print out my certificate of completion and rub your body down with it.

That’s right. This training got me thinking about you, girl, and all the ways I’d like to sex you down.

Because you are just too fine for words.

You’re too fine for words, but I’m going to try nonetheless. Here are just a few that come to mind when I’m undressing you with my eyes:













Lysergic Diethylamide





You like that? I’ll bet you do. You look like you enjoy a little dirty talk.

What’s this? Oh, this is just a picture of me in my gimp mask that I happen to be carrying in my wallet. I took it last night while I was thinking of you.

That’s right, sugar tits—I’d love to let you punish me real good. You could punish me in all of the ways that I deserve, because I’ve been bad—real bad. I’m talking like marginalized Asian dictator bad, and I’m going to need some seriously harsh treatment to repent for it.

I recommend that you start with pouring the hot candle wax over my nipples before working your way to jamming the needles under my fingernails. And pay no attention to the volume of my screams or pleas for mercy—they’re all a part of this glorious love game between us.

But let’s get one thing straight: I do not mean any of this in an overtly sexual way.

I have learned a lot from my mandatory sexual harassment training, and I don’t want to risk any unwarranted litigation with regard to this friendly exchange. We are simply two professional colleagues discussing our personal interests and hobbies in the break room while waiting for this pot of Folgers Toasted Hazelnut coffee to brew.

And it makes no difference that I’m your superior and you are an intern nearing the end of her temporary employment here. Yes, I know you’re interested in full-time employment, but that’s a discussion for a more formal setting. This is just us getting to know a little bit more about each other.

That’s what I love most about the break room atmosphere—getting to loosen our ties, let our hair down, and just talk like everyday people without the interference of titles and corporate hierarchies, you know?

Ah, I see you take your coffee black. I hope that isn’t how you take your men, too!

I’m only kidding, of course. And by that last remark I meant nothing racial, either. I may not yet have completed the mandatory multicultural sensitivity training, but that is only because they haven’t yet finished assembling the online courseware for the training. This is probably because it’s being run by a bunch of incompetent, feckless negroes. God, I don’t know how these ethinics were ever able to claw their way to the top of the corporate ladder.

But I can see that you’re ready to return to work. It was great sharing this business-appropriate break-time conversation with you. I will now step aside so as not to invade your personal space as you pass by and make your way out of the break room door.

I actually hadn’t realized that I hadn’t given you enough room to get past me before, and of course, if I happened to have brushed up against you at any time during our conversation, this was entirely accidental.

I hope to see you around! Next time I promise not to be such a gosh-darn chatterbox!


I am a competent businessman

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