BannedCast

This has been a great year so far, not the least because Chris Brown and Rihanna are back on speaking terms. The two have even gone so far as to retweet each other’s messages, which we all know is only half a step away from fucking in public. It’s good to see them finally moving past the ugliness of the 2009 Grammy’s night, and by “ugliness” I don’t refer to pussy rock’s perennial all-star Coldplay’s grammy for best rock album.

I’m instead referring to Chris and Rihanna’s altercation inside of Chris’s rented Lambourghini Gallardo. We’re familiar enough with the story, in which Chris Brown repeatedly punched, then bit, then choked Rihanna, all while trying to push her out of his moving car like so much baggage from a Southwest Airlines luggage cart.

Regardless of where you stand on the doctrine of Christian forgiveness, it was a welcomed relief to see Chris finally forgive Rihanna for bleeding all over the hand-stitched Italian leather seats of his rented Lambourghini.

That takes a lot of courage, you guys, and it really speaks to his character. Forgiveness is never easy, and it would be no less difficult to forgive Rihanna if she had smeared her bleeding wounds upon the weathered plush interior of a 1987 Oldsmobile. So when the interior in question is of the $200,000 Italian supercharged sports variety, you can imagine the difficult soul searching that must have attended Chris’s final determination to forgive his R&B singing sensation girlfriend.

And I don’t want to make it seem like the blame lies entirely with Rihanna—I’m not that kind of an asshole. But let’s be honest: if Rihanna’s forehead were even slightly more normal in its physical proportions, I’m pretty sure that Chris would have landed a lot fewer punches. And if you’re carrying a forehead that is the size of a flat screen TV, it’s sort of your responsibility to duck.

Again, I’m not trying to sound callous, but Rihanna could rent advertising space across her frontal lobe, and that should have been taken into account before the rush to judgement against a man who at least had the decency to get a tattoo of Rihanna’s beaten, bloodies face tattooed on the side of his neck.

Now I know that Chris will tell you that this is an image of a Mexican Sugar Skull, that it’s an homage to the Mexican tradition of honoring the dead, but I looked into it, you guys, and you may be interested to learn two things: 1. Chris Brown is not Mexican, and 2. Rihanna is not dead.

And just in case you were wondering, Chris Brown has approximately eight million more Twitter followers than the pope, which means that a lot more people hate Rihanna than love Jesus Christ, and I think I know why. It has everything to do with two words: Battle Ship.

That’s right, a shitty movie based on a shittier 1970s-era board game. It’s sort of like the producers of that movie hate America more than Al Qaeda because speaking for myself, seeing Rihanna’s elephant man-like features projected onto a 24-foot high screen scarred me far more than those images of fully-loaded passenger planes slamming into the twin towers on that morning.

And if there is one takeaway from this piece, it is that: Battleship, worse than 9/11.

However, there are some who have argued that, apart from the general savagery of the attack, given the fact that Chris Brown apparently put Rihanna into a headlock that applied inadvertent pressure to Rihanna’s left and right carotid arteries, limiting her ability to breathe and causing her to lose consciousness, perhaps Chris Brown should have been tried for attempted manslaughter.

These people claim that these actions, coupled with Chris’s less than cryptic preceding declaration, “Now I’m really going to kill you!”, indicates at least a nascent desire to end the life of a woman who seemingly did nothing other than confront Chris Brown with evidence of his infidelity and assault all of our listening ears with “Umbrella” and “Disturbia.”

Apparently the courts tend to look the other way unless you attack someone of greater importance. After all, it’s not like Chris tried to kill Beyonce or Madonna.

And while earlier I made an unwarranted comparison between a Southwest baggage handler’s treatment of your luggage and Chris Brown’s attempts to push Rihanna from his moving car, that was an admittedly unjustified and callous comparison because the lesson of Chris Brown and Rihanna’s public altercation is that your Samsonite is more valuable than the life and well-being of a female R&B hit-maker. Chris Brown’s dedicated fanbase, along with the LA court system, all know it.