This is going to be an excellent vacation, and I for one am excited. I love a good cruise, and you and I are going to have such a good time.
As we embark on this wonderful excursion, I’d like to get something out of the way because I’ve found that it’s often better to say things directly so as to avoid any misunderstanding either now or in the future: If this Carnival cruise ship capsizes and we end up on a deserted island, I promise not to eat you.
Welcome to Los Angeles, you now have permission to ask if the free samples at Trader Joe’s are vegan.
You should also know that your infant child is the most precious thing in LA, to say nothing of the world at large, and so it is everyone’s responsibility to tolerate, if not appreciate and embrace your child’s every whim and public tantrum, even if and especially when these crying outbursts occur in the special exhibition gallery at the Getty museum on a Wednesday afternoon. Because exposing your children to priceless works of art is an important part of their upbringing, even if they are still too young to abstain from shitting themselves and cannot yet form the consonants necessary to say, “Is this soy-based non-dairy creamer organic?”