The Way You Sip Your Coffee Says An Awful Lot About You

I’ve been sitting here watching you sip your coffee, and I thought I would share with you exactly what it says about who you are.

Firstly, your ostentatious show of raising the mug up off of the table before pausing to reflect, as though you were some pontificating oracle, before then proceeding to raise it to your lips is a clear indication of your sanctimonious approach to not just the act of drinking coffee but nearly everything else upon which you have chosen to wipe your ineluctably vapid discharge in this world. And most of that discharge has or at least should have landed on the backseat of your 98 Honda Civic LX rather than inside of the vaginal canal of that 42-year-old hooker you picked up on the way back from Tijuana, which is yet one more reason you might try getting that interior detailed if you’re still married to the idea of this car being something you will one day hand down to your illegitimate stepchildren.

Dennys.LARGE_Secondly, the fact that you then follow this sip with that histrionic mouth movement intended to imply that you are savoring every last miniscule drop of this house-blend coffee from Denny’s that retails for 59 cents a cup is not fooling anyone into believing that you are either some coffee connoisseur or a 24-hour diner patron in possession of salaried employment and a clean criminal record.

Lastly, taking a deep sigh and making yet another ostentatious show of gently setting your cup back upon the saucer as a demonstration of your superior control and maturity in the face of your interlocutor’s emotional protestations is only one more justification to throw what remains of my Moons Over My Hammy into your doughy, acne-scarred face.

Suffice to say, the way you sip your coffee says an awful lot about you—namely that you’re an insufferable condescending ass-bag.

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