Why I Believe Manny Pacquiao Won

Firstly, let me explain that I believe that the Mayweather-Pacquiao fight was only the second biggest fight of the century, the first being Katy Perry’s losing fight against musical talent that culminated in last year’s Super Bowl halftime show.

Now, I know a lot of people are convinced that Floyd Mayweather won a commanding victory over Manny Pacquiao throughout the course of those 12 rounds, but I beg to differ for the following reasons:

1. Jamie Foxx’s national anthem. As near as I can tell, that may have actually been Christina Aguilera in drag. And blackface. Which is like totally racist or something. 

2. Justin Bieber. In case you missed it, the Biebs was a part of Floyd Mayweather’s entourage. That alone should have qualified as as a forfeit because everyone know that Justin Bieber is a pussy-faced bitch. Plus, let’s not forget that according to what Justin Bieber wrote in the guest book at the Anne Frank museum, if she were alive today, Anne Frank would be a “Belieber.” You guys, if she were alive today, Anne Frank would be somewhere in her 80s, and only a severely mentally retarded adult would listen to Justin Bieber and call themselves a “Belieber,” and so I’m not sure what that anti semitic little prick was trying to suggest with that remark, but some people might regard referring to adolescent Holocaust victims as “retards” to be in somewhat poor taste. So just in case you needed another reason to hate Justin Bieber and, by proxy, Floyd Mayweather, Bieber called Anne Frank a retard, and that’s totally not cool.

Tyson_Tweet3. Mike Tyson. Prior to the fight, Tyson called Mayweather a “scared little man,” and Mike Tyson knows what’s up.

4. The nurse’s station at Kaiser Permanente. From what I can tell, every single one of the nurses there firmly believe that Pacquiao won.

5. TMT. Floyd Mayweather’s team acronym, TMT, is perhaps the most egregious offense because it is just one letter away from a flagrant copyright infringement of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. That in itself borders on blasphemy because nothing is as cool as Leonardo, Michelangelo, Raphael, and Donatello, and that includes their Italian Renaissance painter namesakes. Using TMT is at least almost as blasphemous as that shitty Michael Bay film version of last year, and just because Mayweather looks like a shell-less turtle that somehow managed to crawl his way into a boxing ring doesn’t give him the right to appropriate the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles’s acronym for his own.

6. Jodi Arias. Jodi Arias is still totally innocent, too, you guys, and I am starting an online petition to encourage HBO and Showtime to broadcast a pay-per-view fight between Jodi and Dr. Drew.

7. Discovery Channel. To be honest, I didn’t watch the fight. I was instead watching a rerun of Ancient Aliens on Discovery, and it all somehow ties into this.

Yours,

Mug

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