I Must Insist That You Entertain My Theory on the Disappearance of Malaysian Flight 370 with the Same Respect As You Would Any Other

I must insist that you entertain my theory on the disappearance of Malaysian Flight 370 with the same respect as you would any other.

Because I have a well developed and thoroughly researched hypothesis regarding where this plane is, and my theory is at least equally as valid as the “Zombie Plane” theory I saw discussed on Piers Morgan just the other night, even though my theory may not have as cool a name or a premise. In a way, I am sort of jealous that I couldn’t think of a solution that involved zombies, but I will leave that up to the professionals over at CNN and the Piers Morgan program.

Point in fact, my theory is the only one that takes into account all of the variously confusing and contradictory accounts that have plagued this investigation since the plane’s unexpected disappearance, and that is why you should be far more receptive to it than to any other half-baked bullshit theory that you may encounter on CNN, FoxNews, or Alex Jones’s website, all of which reflect an equal degree of fatuous conjecture.

Because the way I see it is this: If that plane was hijacked, chances are it was hijacked by one of the 150 some odd Chinese passengers onboard. And anyone who has ever driven on the freeways outside of San Francisco will readily understand that of course an aircraft being commandeered by an Asian will have no fucking idea where the fuck it is going. Which is to say that it is not uncommon to witness a Toyota Prius being driven by one of Rupert Murdoch’s ex-wives careen across five lanes of traffic at 45 mile-per-hour in order to make an exit that is still five miles away. And so the fact that this plane made a sharp and unexpected left-hand turn before plummeting 40,000 feet in the span of one second and continuing on to God knows what part of the Indian ocean is less surprising than is the fact that Hello Kitty actually has its own fleet of passenger aircraft.

Because Hello Kitty does, if you didn’t know. And these planes feature paintings of Hello Kitty all along their exterior and Hello Kitty-themed meals on the inside. Which, if you’ll permit me an aside, seems like a poor marketing strategy. You would think that an Asian airline would want to downplay their onboard food service’s relationship to cats. I mean you don’t see Korean airlines debuting a fleet of Lassie-themed aircraft featuring Lassie-themed meals inside of it, nor do you see Thailand debuting a Woody Allen-themed airline featuring nine-year-old’s stewardesses.

But none to fear, because if you didn’t know, both Courtney Love and Miley Cyrus have joined the search for flight 370. Yes, they’ve joined the crowd sourcing effort using satellite images to scan thousands of miles of desolate Indian Ocean in the search for any trace of wreckage from Malaysian flight 370. And because this plane was departing from Malaysia, chances are that it had at least some quantity of heroin onboard, meaning that if anyone is qualified to find that missing plane, it is Courtney Love. My sources tell me that they didn’t even tell her that a plane crashed—they simply mentioned that someone may have misplaced some heroin in this remote region of the world and Courtney set to work straightaway trying to find it.

Which does beg the question of priorities, I’ll admit, because missing longer than flight 370 is any trace of Courtney Love’s talent, which has been missing since at least 1997. Her greatest talent of course being her ability to drive despairing rock stars to put loaded shotguns into their mouths and spray their grunge-addled gray matter all over the floral wallpapering of their bedroom wall, which is why I am advocating setting Courtney up with Adam Levine of Maroon 5 as quickly as possible. Because if she could benefit the world of music in one more way before she goes the way of Phillip Seymour Hoffman, it would be by sparing us one more Maroon 5 album or another season of The Voice.

With these aforementioned facts in mind, allow me now to posit my theory as to the whereabouts of the missing plane: I cannot understand why they would not begin searching for MH370 in Kim Kardashian’s vagina, which after having been pounded by an endless parade of black athletes and rap stars over the years is at least as capacious and cavernous as the Marianas trench into which they believe flight 370 may by now have descended.

Do not misunderstand me—I’m not suggesting that they only look inside of Kim Kardashian’s vagina, but they should at least include it on the list of possible search and rescue locations because even if they weren’t able to find the missing plane in Kim’s vaginal canal, they could at least find the last trace of Kanye West’s dignity, which has been marooned on Kim’s labia for the past several years.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the best theory you will hear as to what happened to flight 370. Though I would be remiss if I didn’t also mention that after having supplemented my undergraduate studies at the University of Phoenix with an intensive study of all six seasons of Ancient Aliens on History Channel, it’s almost certain that this plane was taken by aliens who harvested the passenger and crew’s organs for use in their black market interstellar sex trade. I did hear Piers Morgan suggest nearly as much in hour nine of his unending coverage of the missing plane, and so I really can’t take all the credit for that one, except to add that Piers Morgan’s mouth looks a lot like the puckered bleached asshole of this girl I once dated. Not a good look, is all I’m saying—she was 65 and diabetic.


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