5/18/2015: Pitbulls Are for Pussies

Pittbull 2This surely won’t win BannedCast any new fans, but it bears saying that pitbulls are for pussies.

To begin, a pitbull just seems like a very inefficient way to tell the world that earning a GED was too tall an order and that you consider Adam Sandler a consummate thesbian.

For example, you could instead rock an Affliction t-shirt and shotgun your creatine-and-Rockstar energy drink from behind the wheel of your yellow Chevy Camaro on your way to 24-Hour Fitness to high-five your dude-bros while powering through a monster set of leg crunches.

Or if that seems needlessly intricate, you might simply purchase any MMA pay-per-view package and refer to your girlfriend as your “old lady” before reminding your friends that you “smashed that pussy hard” the night before.

In other words, a dog is a lot of commitment. They’re not like those illegitimate children you no longer pay child support to—dogs need walks like three times a day and a rabies shot once a year.

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5/7/2015: 4 A.M. Reflections on the Monster Energy Drink Warning Label

Monster Energy Zero UltraSince moving to Los Angeles, I have fulfilled my civic obligation to consume copious amounts of Monster Energy Drink in social settings so as to better express my unqualified willingness to holler at fly girls and wave my hands in the air like I only moderately care as I cruise the mean streets of Hollywood in my 2006 Chrysler Sebring convertible.

In fact, I’m drinking a Monster Energy Zero Ultra as I write this at 4 a.m. from my one-bedroom apartment in Koreatown, and while examining the can this morning between increasingly aggressive sips, I noticed an advisory label that reads: “Not recommended for children, people sensitive to caffeine, pregnant women or women who are nursing.”

Apart from Monster Energy’s apparent disregard for the all-important Oxford comma, a few thoughts come to mind as I struggle to repress the urge to smash a hole through the wall beside my bedroom desk and reach into my neighbor’s studio apartment for no reason other than to witness their terrified looks as I perform a silent pantomime of Steven Tyler’s vocals from the video for “Walk This Way.”

Because I’m wearing scarves.

A lot of scarves.

Only scarves.

My thoughts on Monster Energy’s “warning” label are as follows:

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A Note from the Desk of Patrick Bateman

Consistency is the key to a good life.

Not your life, but in general, this is true.

Mostly true.

There are, of course, exceptions.

For example, if you regularly wet the bed, you may want to reconsider this approach to “consistency,” especially if your urine is lumpy and mottled with traces of blood, in which case that consistency should be of very much concern.

Furthermore, you’re a 32-year-old man, and you should have broken that habit of consistently wetting the bed by at least three or four years ago or at least several months following your divorce. And while I’m sure that you can walk into any Kindergarten in this city and find plenty of others who share your appetite for pre-bedtime apple juice, that doesn’t make it right or make you any less of a bitch.

Of course, there will be plenty of others in those Kindergarten classrooms who will point and laugh, including the teacher. But really, do those people’s opinions matter? The answer is yes. Yes they do, and you should be ashamed.

Best,

PB

50's guy

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Why I Believe Manny Pacquiao Won

MugFirstly, let me explain that I believe that the Mayweather-Pacquiao fight was only the second biggest fight of the century, the first being Katy Perry’s losing fight against musical talent that culminated in last year’s Super Bowl halftime show.

Now, I know a lot of people are convinced that Floyd Mayweather won a commanding victory over Manny Pacquiao throughout the course of those 12 rounds, but I beg to differ for the following reasons:

  1. Jamie Foxx’s national anthem. As near as I can tell, that may have actually been Christina Aguilera in drag. And blackface. Which is like totally racist or something.

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4/27/2015: On the Occasion of Being Threatened by a Stranger in the Parking Garage at the Hollywood Arclight Cinemas

ArcLight Hollywood EntranceRainy days in Los Angeles tend to make people drive with a collective fear of 2,000 RPMs, and if my recent experience in the parking garage at the Hollywood Arclight Cinemas is any indicator, it also tends to make people more than a little irritable and borderline batshit crazy.

Now, I’ll be the first to admit that in this exchange that resulted in a total stranger’s subtle threats and not-so-subtle attacks upon my manhood, I was not totally without fault. On this particular Saturday afternoon, I did have the temerity to sit on a bench in the parking garage of the Arclight Cinemas in order to make several phone calls in search of an aluminum welder who could attend to the broken luggage rack on my scooter following last week’s accident.

And I say “temerity” because my actions were apparently taken as some sort of affront to a gentleman who pulled up on an unnecessarily loud Harley Davidson, and after parking, proceeded to stand next to his bike and stare blankly at me for somewhere between seven and ten minutes[i].

In the midst of my phone calls, I happened to notice this man who stood motionless and staring at me, and after the third time glancing in his direction and noticing his unbroken stare, I smiled and shook my head, unclear if I was even assessing the situation correctly or whether he just appeared to be staring in my direction. These doubts were soon dispelled, however, when as I looked his way for either a fourth or fifth time, he proceeded to walk toward me and, standing directly in front of and bending over so that we were eye-level as I sat on the bench, he asked, “Do you find anything particularly funny about me?”

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4/20/15 How to Decrease the Braking Distance of Your Scooter by Dragging Your Face along the Pavement at the Intersection of Sunset and Cahuenga

Aria ScooterThis week I was fortunate enough to discover a novel means of decreasing the braking distance of my SSR Aria scooter by dragging my face and left leg along the pavement at the intersection of Sunset and Cahuenga in Hollywood, California.

Without this ingenious method, I may have inadvertently scratched the bumper of the silver Mercedes C-class in front of me, which undoubtedly would have proved an unmitigated disaster by unnecessarily detaining the driver who by dint of his stylishly highlighted bangs and Armani sunglasses was surely on his way somewhere far more important than myself. And so by using a combination of my scooter’s side panels and my own epidermis, I was able at halve my SSR’s braking distance and impress a multitude of passersby who could only gape in amazement, except for one woman who took it upon herself to tell me, as I picked myself up from the ground and proceeded out of the way of oncoming traffic, that I was “very lucky.”

Because it never hurts to tell someone in the immediate aftermath of their near-death experience that they were very lucky, even before they’ve had an opportunity to staunch the bleeding from their presently disjointed and rapidly swelling knee, which in combination with my face also helped to decrease the distance needed to bring my scooter to a successful and complete stop.

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4/6/2015 Welcome to Los Angeles, You Now Have Permission to Ask If the Free Samples at Trader Joe’s Are Vegan

Los AngelesWelcome to Los Angeles, you now have permission to ask if the free samples at Trader Joe’s are vegan.

You should also know that your infant child is the most precious thing in LA and worldwide, and so it is everyone’s responsibility to tolerate, if not appreciate and embrace your child’s every whim and public tantrum, even if and especially when these crying outbursts occur in the special exhibition gallery at the Getty museum on a Wednesday afternoon. Because exposing your children to priceless works of art is an important part of their upbringing even if they are still too young to abstain from shitting themselves and cannot yet form the consonants necessary to say, “Is this soy-based non-dairy creamer organic?”

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