This week I was fortunate enough to discover a novel means of decreasing the braking distance of my SSR Aria scooter by dragging my face and left leg along the pavement at the intersection of Sunset and Cahuenga in Hollywood, California.
Without this ingenious method, I may have inadvertently scratched the bumper of the silver Mercedes C-class in front of me, which undoubtedly would have proved an unmitigated disaster by unnecessarily detaining the driver who by dint of his stylishly highlighted bangs and Armani sunglasses was surely on his way somewhere far more important than myself. And so by using a combination of my scooter’s side panels and my own epidermis, I was able at halve my SSR’s braking distance and impress a multitude of passersby who could only gape in amazement, except for one woman who took it upon herself to tell me, as I picked myself up from the ground and proceeded out of the way of oncoming traffic, that I was “very lucky.”
Because it never hurts to tell someone in the immediate aftermath of their near-death experience that they were very lucky, even before they’ve had an opportunity to staunch the bleeding from their presently disjointed and rapidly swelling knee, which in combination with my face also helped to decrease the distance needed to bring my scooter to a successful and complete stop.
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Welcome to Los Angeles, you now have permission to ask if the free samples at Trader Joe’s are vegan.
You should also know that your infant child is the most precious thing in LA and worldwide, and so it is everyone’s responsibility to tolerate, if not appreciate and embrace your child’s every whim and public tantrum, even if and especially when these crying outbursts occur in the special exhibition gallery at the Getty museum on a Wednesday afternoon. Because exposing your children to priceless works of art is an important part of their upbringing even if they are still too young to abstain from shitting themselves and cannot yet form the consonants necessary to say, “Is this soy-based non-dairy creamer organic?”
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Below is a sample of the questions we’ve heard over the past couple of weeks:
“Where have you all been?”
“Why so few posts?”
“I thought you shitbags were going to post more regularly updated blogs?”
“What is that strange smell coming from this open sore on my foot?”
We here at BannedCast would like to respond to these inquiries presently:
We’ve been relocating our BannedCast offices from the San Francisco bay area to Los Angeles, and we struggled to keep everything up-to-date. As for that strange smell, it’s probably either gangrene or syphilis.
We have so much new material to share, and we’ll be back up and running Monday! So try not to punch that fat neighbor kid in the face in the meantime.
I recently upset a few furries with our (renamed) piece “The Sound and the Fur(r)y,” which chronicles both my and Hayley’s experiences at FurCon 2015.
We were compelled to remove the piece from the site, and while this post may seem redundant, it is actually our way of reinstating our multimedia piece on FurCon 2015 as part of our BannedCast library. We’ve taken care to blur some of the images so that anyone who did not wish to be associated with our piece may feel secure that their identities have been safely masked.
Except for those who are actually wearing masks. We didn’t blur them. We don’t have to.
As you may expect, I have a few more thoughts on this issue, which you may read here:
3/16/2015: A Response to the Response to “The Sound and the Fur(r)y”
Not only does God hate dinosaurs, we’re pretty sure he hates BannedCast as well. Much more on the way, we had to hibernate a bit recently because of ISIS. Or furries, we can’t remember which, but they’re pretty much the same. It’s called a “furry fatwa.”
Nonetheless, we’re coming back with an update by the end of the week, including an open letter to the goddamn furries who were a little too sensitive with respect to our recent antics. We’re not mad, we just wish some of them had a little better sense of humor. Maybe God hates furry dinosaurs, too …
Don’t forget that Monday nights from 6-8 PST mean Godfrey’s Pub Crawl on FCCFreeRadio.com in studio 2B! Because we love you, regardless of what everyone else thinks. So listen in real-time at FCCFreeRadio or TuneIn Radio and call us at 415-655-9246, or listen later as a downloadable podcast.
Today’s topics: Secret Santa gift exchanges and female masking. As per usual, some of our topics were suggested by questions sent in by listeners to either Twitter handle @BannedCast, or email: email@example.com. Visit bannedcast.com and read more about Tanner’s exploits and those of the band Lucky Boys Confusion in the book Medicine and Gasoline: On the Road in America with Lucky Boys Confusion.