Tanner’s Laundry List of all of the Ways in which You Probably Annoy Him:

Tanner is upset with you.

Tanner is upset with you.

  1. Don’t leave your clothes in the community washer or dryer for more than 10 minutes after the end of a wash cycle
  2. Don’t piss in the dryers
  3. Break down your fucking boxes before throwing them out
  4. Civil engineers are assholes
  5. Squirrels need to stop running into oncoming traffic
  6. Don’t wear visors—they make you look like a bitch
  7. Wash your hair before it starts to smell
  8. If you happen to drop a pubic hair on the toilet or urinal, wipe it up
  9. Walk your mail to the mailbox, you lazy piece of shit—don’t send everything via email
  10. Stop being in such a fucking rush
  11. Hurry your ass up and don’t block the aisle in the grocery store
  12. Skinny jeans are fucking stupid

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Tea with Tanner Podcast

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The Williams Sisters: Two Middle Fingers to Men’s Tennis

venus-and-serena-lead-altDerek B

How can I begin to describe for you my love for all things Venus and Serena Williams? It’s not a creepy thing … Okay, it’s slightly creepy, I’ll give you that, but I cannot help that I’m attracted to beautiful, athletic women. And so when I hear others insulting the Williams sisters or denigrating their talent by claiming that they do not deserve as much prize money as men for their tournament wins, I get a little upset.

Because the debate over whether women tennis players should receive equal prize money is, strangely, still an ongoing debate, and it is one with which I was totally unfamiliar until recently because I’m not exactly a tremendous sports fan. In fact, I grew up hating sports and while I now watch American football pretty regularly, I still don’t know the names of all the positions. My friend has tried to teach me, but it hasn’t yet taken. Partly because I don’t care and partly because I’m a fucking idiot.

So why, then, do I consider myself a Williams sisters fan? Because I’m a straight-up shallow asshole who thinks they’re hot—that’s mostly it. But my shallowness doesn’t preclude me from understanding that the Williams sisters, along with every other woman tennis player, deserve the same amount of prize money as the men if only because men’s tennis players seem to me to be, on the whole, conceited fuck-faced douchebags.

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Godfrey’s Pub Crawl: How I Spent My Summer Vacation Edition!

2014-08-22_1656On this week’s Godfrey’s Pub Crawl on FCC Free Radio, we chatted with a San Francisco legend Mr. Steve McPartlin, who regaled us with some great stories of bars, broads, and booze–plenty of booze. So why not catch up on all that you may have missed and listen? Because you owe it to yourself. Loser. 

Hugs,

PB

50's guy

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Godfrey’s Pub Crawl: Outside Lands Aftermath!

2014-08-16_1245On this week’s Godfrey’s Pub Crawl on FCC Free Radio: a whole lotta talk about how awesome Robin Williams was. Plus Derek B reporting live from The Comedy Store in LA, so, yeah, why not listen in and hear some cool stories? Because if you don’t listen you clearly hate life and should probably just go fuck yourself. I know that sounds unnecessarily harsh, but it needed to be said. After all, we’re your friends, and only your true friends can be so uncompromisingly honest with you. 

Baci,

PB

50's guy

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I Don’t Wish to Alarm You, But I May Have Accidentally Used a Bag of Homemade Trail Mix in Place of Silicone During Your Recent Breast Augmentation Surgery

Trail Mix DrI don’t wish to alarm you, but I may have accidentally used a bag of homemade trail mix in place of silicone during your recent breast augmentation surgery. You might be interested to know that I actually sell my trail mix at farmer’s markets around the area as a sort of side business of mine, and so this therefore isn’t as unusual and unexpected as you may at first have thought.

Let me assure you that these things happen all the time, and this is nothing about which to become overly concerned. Additionally, you should know that when I create trail mix, I always use a name brand Ziploc bag with the Smart Zip Plus(R) Seal, and you therefore have the assurance of the Ziploc name to mitigate those concerns about leakage, which I cannot stress enough represents only a very minimal risk in these sorts of circumstances.

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Venerable Villain Episode 2: The Williams Sisters

Featuring an analysis of women’s tennis’s fight for equal prize money by way of the Williams sisters.

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The Final Word on Yoga

Enlightenment in natureJuke Joint Jezebel

It has come to my attention that yoga, which I had hoped was only a passing interest that would go the way of snap bracelets, metrosexuals and safe sex, seems to be growing in popularity rather than dissipating into forgotten obscurity like Lana del Rey.

Which is why I feel it necessary to make a few things clear to anyone reading this who may harbor either an open or secret affection for yoga, beginning with this: Please stop trying to call yoga a fucking exercise. Yoga is as much an exercise as jerking off in the shower to the memory of an ex girlfriend is making love to Scarlett Johansen, which is to say, not that much. You work up about as much of a sweat doing yoga as Donald Sterling does when changing the channel every time a Spike Lee movie comes on TV.

The point is that you get to call yoga an exercise about as much Casey Anthony gets to call the trunk of her car a child’s bouncy castle. Mind you, I imagine that that dead weight does have a tendency to bounce every time she goes over a speed bump, but I still maintain that the comparison to a bouncy castle is a bit of a stretch.

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